Wednesday, December 31, 2008


I am so excited that Taylor and Dominic are finally going to have Cousins!!! Taylor is in that stage where she is so interested in pregnancy, babies, and anything having to do with either of those. And Dominic, though he is six, is still really excited to hear about babies and all.

I stepped off the plane and Dominic and Taylor ran up to me and the first thing Taylor said was, "Hey Aunt Kimberly, you have two babies in your belly...TWO!" It was so cute and then she just kept touching my tummy. In fact, the entire weekend I was with her she would touch my belly and when Dominic would talk she would yell at him to be quiet so she didn't wake up the babies. Adorable!!! And, when I was leaving Christmas day to Dad's house, Taylor said she wanted to say bye to the babies, so she pulled up my shirt, folded down the cloth of the maternity pants and kissed my belly and just kept rubbing it. It was so cute.

Dominic is truly an angel too and like I said, though he is not to the extreme of Taylor, he kept talking about the babies. At one point he asked me why my belly was so big, and I said, "Oh, I'm just getting fat." Being the big hearted boy he is, he laughed and said, "Aunt Kimberly, You can never be fat." That has got to be the best compliment you can ever give a woman, especially when she no longer fits into her normal clothes.

I feel so blessed to have Dominic and Taylor in my life, and just know that they will be great cousins to Baby A and Baby B!!!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Christmas 2008

Well, I was really looking forward to this year. Kyle and I were going to Montana and going to celebrate our last Christmas before our beautiful twins are born...unfortunately, things didn't go according to plan.

Kyle's flight, which left two days after mine, was canceled. And, due to the holiday, he wasn't able to get out on another flight...until the 29th of December. By then all our holiday rituals and traditions would be over and he would just be hanging out with the family, so we decide he just wouldn't come out at all. Suddenly our last Christmas together before children turned into our first Christmas apart in six years.

I was really bummed out that he wasn't here, but it still turned out to be one of the best Christmases yet. We were so blessed with gifts galore, to the extreme that we are having to ship back two large boxes full of gifts. Mom gave us money to buy two cribs and knitted these adorable booties and a gorgeous blanket for the babies. I can hardly wait for them to be used and what a perfect gift that will be cherished forever!

We woke up Christmas morning (we open gifts Christmas Eve with my family) and Santa (AKA Auntie Mandie) had made two little stockings for Baby A and Baby B. My eyes filled with tears when I saw them and how it was set up. What a sweet thought and gesture for her to do that. The babies have pacifiers, blankets, bibs, onsies, and a lullaby CD that I am really excited to hear.

All-in-all, for Kyle not being there, this Christmas was still great and it made me even more excited to see our babies.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Heading to Montana

Well, tonight is the night that I have been anxiously awaiting for quite some time. I get to go home and see my family. Miss them terribly, especially with it being around the holiday season and being pregnant. It is hard for me that they won't get to be "active" with the pregnancy in preperation for the babies being born, and in watching them grow up, so getting to see them now is really important to me.

This is also the last trip Kyle and I are taking as just the two of us, before we are parents. I wish it would be a place and activities that he would be more excited about or that he would enjoy more, but grateful we get to get away together none the less.

We have talked about going on a "Babymoon" but I think we are both to nervous to do that. With twins it is scarier the thought of preterm labor or something going wrong. So I don't think we are going to do that. Maybe I can talk him into a weekend away to Branson or something.

Also, excited to see family because my belly is finally starting to show. In no rush for it to show since once it starts growing it is hard for it to stop, but helps pregnancy to seem more realistic.

Praying for babies to grow healthy and strong and that we can make it to full-term labor. Also, though very grateful that I feel a bit better lately I am still feeling pretty nauseous, so praying the nausea continues to go away and that my breathing gets better. Really struggling a lot to breath lately. Think it is anxiety, but also congested and keep getting bloody noses, which doesn't help.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Fourteen Week Dr Apt

We went to the doctor yesterday for another check-up and got to hear the heartbeats. There is a baby on each side of the belly. It was beautiful and we just sat there smiling while listening to them. Luckily the doctor left the Doppler on my belly for a little while so we had plenty of time to listen to them.

This is the first time in the appointments that we didn't get to see the babies on the portable ultra sound. Because we have been so blessed to see them so often, it was a little disappointing, but still very exciting to hear them.

All seems to be going well with the pregnancy this far. We will go back to the doctor in four weeks and have an ultra sound to determine that babies are healthy and their sexes. I still would prefer to wait until they are born to find out the sexes, but Kyle is so excited so waiting isn't an option. I will admit that Kyle being excited about the sexes makes me less hesitent.

Gained two pounds this week, so now I am up to 116. Yikes. That is the most i have ever weighed. Scary to think that I gained two pounds in one week while not feeling well. Can't imagine how much I will gain when I DO feel well.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Fourteen Weeks

Feeling so blessed today. We are at week fourteen and both babies are still alive and kicking around in there. Praise the Lord.

This week I felt the babies move a little. Haven't felt it for a day or two, but what an incredible feeling. I think I actually felt it sooner, but wasn't sure if it was babies. It is a weird feeling and kind of tickles. Feels just like a small movement in the belly like someone is taking something soft and moving it across the inside of my tummy. Have only felt it on the right side. Hoping this is just because both babies are hanging out on that side, and not because only one of them is moving. Excited to feel them move from the outside!

Still very nauseous and unsure if we will make it home for Christmas.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Setting Up

So while we are only three and a half months into the pregnancy, I am getting really excited to set things up for the nursery. I am not really into the decorating idea as much as I am into the idea of getting rid of clutter and things we don't use, and clearing out the guestroom for the nursery area to be ready.

We have decided to turn our office into a guestroom/office and our current guestroom is going to be the nursery. Hoping that everything will actually fit in the office. Currently we have a bunkbed/futon in there that Kyle has had since college. it is beatup and old and something that I have been looking forward to getting rid of as I think it just cheapens the room having it in there. Kyle is very hesitant though to get rid of it or to do anything that would mean moving forward with preparing the nursery at least for a few more months.

I finally talked Kyle into letting me post the futon/bunkbed set on for sale (they currently have several others listed on there that are basically the same) but he wants to wait a few more weeks so he has time to tear it down and make it available for the buyers. But when looking on the site for what to price it at, saw a woman that is looking to buy one for her foster children. I emailed her and asked what she was wanting to offer for it, and then after talking to Kyle we agreed to sell the thing to her and even take a little less than she offered since she is using it for the foster children.

All that to say, I am really excited we are going to be getting rid of it, and we will get enough money from her to buy a couple mattresses for the cribs. Before long I will be buying the cribs and setting up the changing station. So excited to see our babies and hold them!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Debating the Shot

Well, yesterday was finally talked into getting the flu shot. Really didn't want to since the only other time I got it I was really sick following. But, want to do whatever is best for the babies.

Woke-up this morning feeling pretty good but ate something and have gone downhill from there. Seems like no matter what I eat or do today, the food is fighting to stay down. Tried Dramamine today for first time to see if that helped. It made me instantly tired and gave me bad dry mouth. Slept for an hour before waking up and eating crackers and cheese and then went back to sleep but woke-up from nap hardly able to move without wanting to puke.

Also having a lot of problems breathing. While part of this is due to congestion and clogging up both naustrils, I think part of it could be the lack of exercise. Really need to find a way to do some kind of exercise, no matter how small, to help lungs open back up but it seems so difficult seeing as how the nausea is preventing me from doing much of anything.

Prayers today are that I can get out and about enough to open lungs, and that the nausea would at least lighten up, even if it doesn't stop all together. Will be really sad if I don't get to go home next week for the holidays.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Thirteen Weeks

Went to doctor appointment today and met with the Nurse Practitioner. She was much friendlier than I remembered and had a student with her so brought in the portable ultrasound. It was nice to not have to go through the stress of waiting to find out if the heart beats were there on the Doplar.

Both babies were sleeping. Nurse kept pushing on belly and jiggling it with ultrasound want to make babies move, but they seemed to be worn out and not up for it. I could see their spinalcords though, and eye sockets and their heads. It was very exciting.

We will go again next Friday to see the doctor, since I am going to be out of town for two weeks for the holidays. Hopefully Doctor Stamps will not be caught up in surgery or unavailable.

Starting weight prior to surgery was 113 pounds. Have only gained one pound, which i was happy about. Once you start gaining, you don't stop and I get nervous about the idea of breathing and discomfort from being too big with babies. Nurse said she would like me to gain a pound a week, which wouldn't be bad at all. That would mean I would only gain about 25 lbs for the full pregnancy. I am trying not to think about that though and just enjoying that I have been so blessed with the opportunity to carry these beauitul babies.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Sick as a Dog

I am getting rather down lately. Thursday we got a call an hour before our appointment and the doctor had surgery so our apt was canceled. They rescheduled it for this week (Wednesday) but it is with the nurse practitioner, not our doctor. While I am sure that she is more than capable of answering our questions, I know Kyle well enough to know that no matter what she says, he won't listen. He struggles to listen to what the doctor that is discouraging to me. And he has been scheduling us to come in every other week but I don't know if the nurse will know when to schedule us and all.

Also, I am still REALLY sick. Friday morning I went and got another Vitamin B6 shot. The other one helped for three days, so I assumed it would do the same this time. It didn't. Got sick Saturday evening, Sunday was puking, and today still feel really sick to the point I am hugging the trash can. It has also made me miss two Christmas parties. Not even out of fear of the smell at them, but just too sick to get up and get ready to go. Praying that this doesn't last much longer. It is draining me physically and emotionally.

Praying also that I will be well enough to go home in two weeks. I really want to see my family and spend the holiday with them. I just need to be well enough to fly there on the 21st of December and home on January 4. Of course would be wonderful if i wasn't laid up the whole time I am there too, but at this point just trying to concentrate on the travel days.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Waiting Anxiously

Well, we are finally at twelve weeks and into the second trimester and feel so blessed to have made it this far with two babies. God is so good and faithful and we will forever give thanksgiving to Him for all He does, but especially for the opportunity to carry these precious little ones.

Tomorrow we go to the doctor for our twelve week check-up and will hopefully hear both heartbeats, or at least see them on the portable ultra sound again. Kyle and I are both anxious to see and/or hear that both babies are still there and both are doing okay. We usually do great after the doctor appointment for about a week before we start panicing with every cramp, pain or change in body. We have wanted to be parents for so long now we fear that we will lose one of the babies or something will go wrong. I am sure that all pregnant women go through that at some point in their pregnancy. It truly does make us rely on God and trust that He is in control and His will is going to be done, no matter what we want, but our human nature is still to stress until we are reassured time and time again that they are okay.

Nausea seemed to be quite a bit better today. Actually was able to do laundry and dust the house, went to eat dinner with mother-in-law and ran to Target to get new "undergarments". Finally I can go in public again and be properly covered.

Praying this week for our babies' reflexes. This week they are developing, the kidneys begin working so babies start urinating, and they begin the sucking with their mouths and taking in the amniotic fluids. Love these babies already so much. And getting to hear and read about what is going on each week is so exciting and makes me feel that much closer to them.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Three Days

Well, turnes out the Vitamin B shot only helped for three days. Last night started getting really sick again and thought it was probably just from little food with my Prenatal Vitamin, but woke up throughout the night on the verge of puking and this morning and throughout today not feeling any better. Still grateful that there were those three days of feeling better and will take whatever I can get. Hoping and praying when I go get the shot again this week that it lasts longer.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Vitamin B Shot

Nausea has continually gotten worse each week, even after being off progesterone shot for two weeks. So, I gave in this week and called the doctor to try the Vitamin B Shot. They say it works for some people, and other people it doesn't. At this point though I just needed SOME relief. It didn't have to be complete relief, but I was struggling to even eat crackers and puked again Wednesday night.

Anyhow, went to doctor's office Wednesday afternoon, got the shot in my right arm which was extremely painful, and then went home praying the entire way I could just make it to the house before puking. Woke up Thursday morning (Thanksgiving Day) and actually felt decent. It was amazing and such a blessing. I still can't eat much because smells make me sick and nothing sounds good, but I was able to eat Ritz crackers and drink some water. It was so wonderful.

It's Saturday evening and I am still doing pretty well. Yesterday and today was able to add popcorn to the diet, although this afternoon it wasn't as eatable as it was yesterday. Also, have been trying to wait to take Prenatal Vitamin until later in the evening and I think that is helping me a bit more in the day too. So that way I may have light nausea but I can at least manage to sit up to work on computer or clean up the kitchen.

I have my twelve week check-up and will make sure both hearts are still beating this Thursday, so will get another Vitamin B shot then. Hoping that I can just do two or three of those and be over the morning sickness, but grateful that if I have to do them for longer I now have something that will at least lighten the sickness.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Grateful and Blessed

God has really reminded me this week just how blesed Kyle and I are! Was talking to a friend yesterday that has been trying for two years to have babies and the doctors and everyone says that they are both fine, so they should get pregnant anytime. She was so down and depressed and hopless. I wanted to cheer her up or give her words of wisdom, but I know from experience that going through the infertility thing is difficult in every form and nothing I would say or do would help. So I listened and talked about our experiences and just let her know she is not alone. That would be so much harder of a situation. At least we knew why we weren't pregnant and how to solve the situation. They are without direction.

Talked to another friend today who apparently went through IVF as well. She did it the first time only to find out that her eggs don't work with her husband's sperm. Apparently they would with other people's but when put together it didn't work. She ended up using donor eggs. It again put things into perspective. They went through the entire process only to end up empty handed. And when they were finally successful, it wasn't in a way that they had ever planned. My heart broke for them as now they have a gorgeous baby, but the baby has quite a few health problems. But my frind was still positive and loving about it. Made me concentrate on teh fact that God is in control, and reminded me that His will will be done in the end, no matter what we do to change it.

I am thankful for this opportunity to carry these babies. We are blessed that we walked away from the procedure with TWINS in my belly. And now we are praying for mercy and that these babies will be born healthy, strong and well in June of 2009.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Ten Week Check-up

What a nightmare. Kyle was out of town for work, so my mother-in-law joined me. That was a huge blessing as the appointment was way more emotional than we had planned. This was the appointment we were suppose to hear both heartbeats. Luckily last appointment our doctor had warned that with twins it can be difficult to determine which is which baby and so on.

He put the doplar on my belly, moved it around a couple times and then we heard it, the thumping of precious baby A's heart. It was around 160s. It was beautiful and emotional and so exciting. Then he started searching for Baby B. He moved it around for maybe two to three minutes and then decided to bring in the portable ultra sound since he wasn't able to locate the heart.

Within a minute or two, he found Baby A. The baby was jumping around, moving and you could see the baby's hands and feet moving. It was so amazing. But when it came time to find Baby B, it was more tricky. He searched for about five minutes without saying anything. I was crying and praying that God would give me the strength to face whatever outcome we were about to find.

The doctor kept searching but since he hadn't found the twin after five minutes told us we would have to go see the ultrasound technician because she could probably find it better. Afterall, the portable ultrasound screen is only the size of a hand. And then, just as he was getting ready to remove the wand, God intervened...there was Baby B...curled in a little ball, not moving, but the heart was beating. I continued crying of course as I was so scared we had lost one of the babies and was/am so grateful that God has spared us that tragedy, at least for now.

We go back in two weeks to make sure that both babies are still there, and hopefully next visit both will be up and dancing around so we won't have to worry.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


Well, I think I officially have gotten carried pants are all pretty tight and not comfortable at all when I sit. I have one pair of jeans I am still able to wear because they ride low, but when I sit they dig into my tummy. I know that I have not really grown, it's just that I am bloated or something and my pants are too snug.

Because I have been so sick, shopping is not an option lately. I tried to go to Target to get new bras with Kyle a few weeks ago and made it a whole 10 minutes before I had to leave because of being to sick, so maternity clothes shopping really isn't an option at this time.

I have spent quite a bit of time the past week or two online looking at maternity jeans and they are either not really my style or cost more than I am willing to spend. SO, thanks to the suggestion of a friend, I looked on Ebay. This is my first time to really consider something from Ebay. Kyle is disgusted that I would think to wear someone else's clothes, especially someone I don't know, but I have a washing machine and figure if I wash them a few times, I should be fine.

So I found a set of pants...7 pairs for only $52 bid...I put in my first bid. I have to wait a few days to see if I am the "winner" and can keep bidding higher if I want, but so far I am the highest bidder. For some reason I didn't stop there and found about 10 other super cute jeans that are all under $15 or $20 with I put bids on those. Luckily a few of the items I have been out bid on, but so far I have "won" or purchased three pairs, and am the highest bidder on a handful of others. Praying someone else starts bidding on these! I was just hoping for 2-3 pairs...and it looks like I am going to get three times that amount. At least I will be comfortable and won't be lacking on number of jeans...

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Dried Out

For the first time in my life, I think, I have dandruff. And it isn't that light, hard to notice stuff. It is so gross. I know that the hormones from pregnancy can dry out your skin, and they have quite a bit, but I wasn't expecting my scalp to dry out. I seriously need to go get some moisturizing shampoo...I heard the dandruff shampoo makes you have dandruff later on or long term. SO I am out of ideas. Kyle is at least sweet enough to try to tell me that I don't have it because "Pretty girls don't get dandruff and I am a pretty girl"...hahaha. Cute, sweet, but doesn't solve my problem.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Ultra Sound

Praise the Lord, both babies are still alive and making it. We are so grateful for the results and continue praying that the babies are healthy and well.

The doctor was an hour late for the appointment, which was rather frustrating, but certainly worth it. Dr Stamps is always sweet and goes the extra mile. He remembers Kyle's name (though it's probably in my files) and addresses him by name and shakes his hand every time he enters or leaves the room. He is always cautious to make us feel welcome and like he has all the time in the world for us, and is sure to answer any questions we have.

We asked the doctor about my nausea as it seems to be getting worse rather than better. He said unfortunately that my shots I am taking (only 11 more days) most likely have nothing to do with it, and most likely it is just because I have two babies, so twice the hormones that a normal pregnancy has. He also gave me a new prescription, and we tried it last night. It was AWFUL. I was more nauseous than when I took it, and it gave me a pounding headache. So, we wasted $21, but it was worth trying it! Will stick with Phenergan for now, and just plan on the complete exhaustion it provides to relieve me somewhat of the sickness.

Thursday, November 6, 2008


Well, we got to the doctor's office, two minutes early, only to find a waiting room full of unhappy looking patients and stressed out receptionists. Apparently our doctor wasn't the only one that had an emergency c-section or a reason that was causing appointments to be staled.

Nurse and receptionist were very apologetic and friendly, and offered to reschedule our appointment for tomorrow, Friday, and let us be the first of the patients to chose the time that works best for us. Apparently it is the doctor's day off so he should be on time and should have no excuse as to not showing up. I felt bad for the receptionist having to deal with all the upset patients so did my best to smile and go overboard on smiles, but must admit that I am very disappointed as we were really excited to see our babies.

SO, luckily it's only one more day of waiting to make sure both babies are there and well. Also looking forward to talking to the doctor about my nausea and seeing what I can do because it is so severe and ongoing with few breaks if any.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Eight Weeks

We are so happy and blessed that we have made it eight weeks so far in this pregnancy. With doctor wanting me to make it to week 38 because of having twins, that means we only have thirty more weeks to go. We are so excited.

Today is election day. Went and voted which always makes me feel good and proud. And there were only three times (during the 45 minute wait to vote) that I thought I would pass out from heat or puke. Not bad. I am anxious to see who is elected as our next president: McCain or Obama and finding it difficult to keep my focus on the fact that God is in control and His will will be done. Whoever is elected, this will impact the first four years of our babies' lives.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Pizza is a No Go!

It seems that several of my friends have found eating pizza during first trimester is about the only thing that makes them feel better. Well, at least I remember Darla and Liz doing it for both their pregnancies. Tried Papa John's Pizza a few weeks ago because it actually sounded good, and it was tollerable. Thought I would try it again tonight as this weekend was really difficult to find anything eatable and I was so nausous. However, outcome wasn't the same as a couple weeks ago and it actually made me pretty sick again.

On a positive note, only three more days until we get to see our babies again. We are so anxious for the appointment with Dr Stamps and he is suppose to roll in an ultra sound machine just to make sure both hearts are still beating strong. We are trusting that the Lord is blessing these babies and that both are doing well.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Nothing Helps

So I have read that if you eat throughout the day and prevent yourself from getting hungry or too full that is suppose to help with nausea. Well, not for me. It is hard enough to find something I can eat that sounds decent, but usually manage to at least down some crackers. It's not helping.

They say protein is suppose to help. Have tried peanut butter and crackers in the mornings which I thought helped for a couple days, but now am convinced I was wrong. Also have tried french toast (eggs are protein) and egg salads. Not feeling any better.

Sleep is suppose to help, but is not really an option. Can't sleep more than 5 hours a night no matter how tired I get. Dizziness wristbands don't help. So, I am at a loss...there must be something out there, other than meds, that can help...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Lack of Sleep

Is it too early for ensomnia to be setting in? The past week or so I have been exhausted but sleep is not an option. I will lay there with my eyes shut for hours, literally, but won't be able to fall asleep.

Apparently my mind is just to full of thoughts, worries, concerns, excitement, or something which is preventing me from sleeping. If I lay on my side it bothers my tummy and makes me feel really nausous. If I lay on my back it is really uncomfortable. Also, if I finally start to fall asleep, I usually will wake up and have to use the bathroom or will wake up on the edge of puking. The first couple weeks I had food by my bed to snack on when I woke up sick. Still have the food by the bed, but food sounds so gross lately that the thought of eating saltines or ritz makes me more sick than not eating at all. All-in-all though, I am still SO happy, excited and feel so blessed to be pregnant!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Learning New Things

Our Doctor gave us a book, "Your Pregnancy & Birth" which is a great easy read. It is really more of a detailed outline where it will have a topic and discuss the matter in a page or less. So if I want to learn about morning sickness, dizziness, cramping or whatever, I can look it up and read a small clip rather than an entire chapter. It's great.

To better prepare myself I decided to not wait to read the details until the situation arises and to gear myself up ahead of time. Today I learned about shortness of breath occuring for a lot of women during the first trimester due to the increase in progesterone. Because I have been on progesterone shots for the past two months, I was really grateful to know that is most likely the cause of my breathing problems. I was assuming it was anxiety related, though I don't think I am too anxious.

Have been trying to walk daily. My goal is at least a mile, but occasionally will only make it around the block and have to come home because of nausea being so bad. Also, really nauseous all the time and nothing sounds good to eat. Was really wanting powder donuts but by the time my mother-in-law got them for me they just didn't sound or taste good. My diet right now is mainly crackers (ritz) with cheese or peanut butter and water. Also have been snacking on Halloween candy. Ready sugar can help with the nausea. Though I don't think it's true, the candy (snickers and milky ways) actually sound decent, so I will keep eating them for now.

This week (Week seven) the babies' hands and feet are forming. Can't wait to kiss them.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

On Cloud 9

Thank you Jesus, 100 times over and over again. We are so grateful for the positive results of the ultra sound. Not only was there one heartbeat we saw, but TWO. And we got to actually hear one of the hearts.

When she pointed out the first heartbeat I started to cry a little. When she pointed out the second one I went into shock and started to cry a bit more. I couldn't believe it. We were so worried that since one of the sacks was "suspicious" last week that only one of the babies was going to make it. And then I started hearing a light heartbeat...really faint. I thought, "That's one of my babies" but then started thinking there is just no way it honestly could be, but the nurse asked if I could hear it, verifying it indeed was not my own heart, and the tears just fell even more. I actually was so excited I was crying and laughing at the same time, which pushed the thing off my stomach and the nurse struggled to get as good of a picture a second time, but was able to none the less. And she was so friendly this time too.

We also met with Dr Stamps. He melts my heart. He has to be one of the most caring and genuine doctors there is out there. He is having us come back in two weeks to see him again and make sure all is well and we will get to see the babies hearts again. I am so excited to meet them.

My due date is June 16, 2009 but the doctor said we will plan on a late May birth around week 38, assuming I can carry them that long. These babies will be so loved and cared for they will probably feel smothered.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Ultra Sound Results

Well, I think we are more confused following the ultra sound than we were before going into it. They found two sacks. One was normal looking and the other was "suspicious". We weren't sure what it meant to have a suspicious sack and kept digging for clarity but she didn't elaborate. We asked if it meant that the suspicious sack would not form into a baby or that we would lose the baby but she wasn't sure.

The positive thing is that she set us up for an ultra sound next Thursday. Apparently you can see the heart beat between week 5 1/2 and 6 weeks. We were right at 5 1/2 weeks when she did the first ultra sound, so we are hoping they just did it too soon. Next week we should be able to see the heart beat and determine if there is one heart or two. If two, then the suspicious sack has survived (at least this far) but if just one sack then the second one just did not develop. We are in prayer that God's will be done and that we are able to just enjoy every moment of this experience rather than stress about the details.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Tomorrow's the Day

So tomorrow we get to meet with the OB nurse. We will go over all the paperwork and financial stuff and will have the opportunity to ask all our questions. Started to make a list of questions though it does seem complete. I know that there are several I am forgetting and will hopefully think of them before the appointment or will just have to call and ask the nurse later. Then we will do the ultra sound.

A bit annoyed that we are having appointment with nurse before the ultra sound. If we end up having twins we will have a lot more questions following the ultra sound. Would make more sense to me to do the ultra sound first, but that's okay.

The ultra sound we are so excited for. I can't wait to see if there is one or two babies in there. I assume there is only one, but either way seeing the sack will be the most amazing thing.

Biggest struggle right now is the nausea. It is getting worse each day it seems. I wake up in the middle of the night sick and try to nibble on something to help from puking. So far I have been luck not to puke. I need to start drinking more, but with nausea, like the food, beverages are just hard to get down right now. Hopefully I will be able to drink the bottle of water before the ultra sound tomorrow without puking.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Sick as a Dog

Went to the doctor Monday and Wednesday for HCG levels to be drawn. They are suppose to double every 48 hours and they have more than done that. They were at 290 on Monday and Wednesday they were up to 800. We are so grateful for the positive results and the huge increase in levels.

My nausea is getting worse each day. I wake up in the middle of the night on the verge of puking and in the morning hardly able to move out of fear I will puke. A book I have been reading on pregnancy suggested having cookies by the bed for when you wake up to snack on 15 minutes before you get up. So, I have been snacking on those in the middle of the night when I get really sick and they help a bit. The nausea seems to prevent me from sleeping though and I find myself tossing and turning a lot throughout the night. Feel bad for Kyle as I know it is really hard for him to sleep with me moving around.

Next Thursday they are going to do an ultra sound to see if there is one or two sacks. I predict there will just be one, but will be fun to see one way or the other. They originally were going to do it in a few weeks so we would be able to see a heart beat too, but they have moved it up. Dr Stamps said he predicts there is just one baby based on my numbers but I can't help but wonder if he thinks possibly there are two since he bumped it up so soon.

We will also get to meet with a nurse Thursday and ask any questions we have and get things all set up with paperwork and finances. We are just still on cloud 9 and feel so blessed that this procedure has worked this far. We continue praying that the baby(ies) continues to grow healthy and well, and that I can keep down food and beverages. I know I am a bit dehydrated as it is hard to drink withough gagging.

Almost three weeks into the pregnancy (5 according to doctor) and we are still smiling through it all.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Two weeks, four weeks

Because I was spotting, my OB called to check on me Friday and thought it best if I go in to have blood checked. He called yesterday (Sunday) with results and said all is going well. The blood level (HCG) is around the number it should be at (was at 96).

Spotting stopped on Saturday morning, so I only had three days of light spotting that was brown all three days. Doctor said it is either Implant spotting or my body ridding of one of the embryos.

I have been feeling really nauseous yesterday and today, and although it is an awful feeling, I can't help but smile knowing that it is just one more sign that there is a baby (or two) inside of me and I am going to be a mother.

Although conception date was two weeks ago (August 21), the doctor considers me four weeks along. If you base birth from conception date you are only pregnant 38 weeks, so they add on two weeks to conception date, as they would normally base birth expectant date on last cycle.

All in all, we are doing well. I did inject my hand with a needle when playing with it Friday night and my middle finger is causing me quite a bit of pain and tingling to close my fist or move the finger. I will most likely go to doctor in next day or two to make sure I didn't kill a major nerve or anything.

Praying For: Baby (or Babies) to grow properly inside of me, that I can hold down enough food and beverages for them to be healthy, and for folic acid levels to be high enough and where they need to be. Also for HCG levels (taken today and Wednesday) to continue growing like they are suppose to and for this to be a healthy baby.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


I can't believe it. Woke up this morning depressed when I saw that I was spotting. Realizing we have nothing to lose, Kyle encouraged me to go get a test. I figured that I would buy a test, take it in the morning, it would come back negative and in would sink the deep depression.

Got home from store and had to use the bathroom so figured I would take a test and then when it came back negative I would take another one Saturday or Sunday. IT CAME BACK POSITIVE THOUGH...I AM PREGNANT.

My entire body is shaking and I can't stop crying. I am in shock and so happy. I realize we have an intense three months of waiting to make sure we hear heart beat and all is well, but I can't help but be excited and greatful. I can't believe it. We are going to have our miracle baby. Thank you, Lord...Thank you...

I was hoping to tell Kyle in a fun way, but I couldn't help it. I was so happy and shaking so bad I had to tell someone. So I called but he was in a meeting. No, this could not wait, so I sent him a text. How silly is that? Poor guy in a meeting and I tell him through a text that after more than two years of trying, it came back positive.

Well, since he couldn't talk, i called my mother-in-law. Someone needed to hear the good news. So I called her crying and told her the news. She sounded so excited for us but reminded me to lay low still. Hahaha...I plan to keep my mouth shut now-not telling our friends until I hear our baby's heart beat.

Sent my parent and grandparents cards in the mail (wrote them earlier this week) from the baby(ies)saying how excited he/she is to meet them and to learn special things from them, now I just have to keep my mouth shut for a week or so until they get them. Was going to send my parents baby name books so they could help us look up names, but that would mean I couldn't tell them until next week when I am okay to go out and buy them and all...So...the card will have to do. I can always send them a book later. :)

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Fear of Results

I have taken so many pregnancy tests over the past two years that I think I could possibly pay college tuition with the money spent. Because of that, we have agreed to not take any at home pregnancy tests and just stick with the blood work that is required to determine if I am pregnant. I thought it would be easier to wait as I have done my best to not focus on the results, but my prayers are non stop lifted that I am pregnant and that we can carry a baby (or two) to full term. We both so desperately want this procedure to have worked that I think we will both be a wreck if it doesn't.

I am getting really nervous and beginning to doubt that I am pregnant. Not sure why. Partly because of the numerous negative pregnancy tests in the past I think make me think that a positive one is just not likely. The other part of me thinks it is just because Kyle and I seem to find bad luck when it comes to this area. Either way, I am working today on changing my attitude and trying to focus on other things today. Also, just grateful that God gave us the opportunity to do the procedure regardless of the outcome.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Implanted and Waiting

Wednesday they put two embryos in. We are a little nervous as the embryos should be at 8 cells each on day three, and it looked like one embryo was at 6 and the other only 4. We are trusting that they continue to fertilize in me and that God will bless us with a baby, or two, through this procedure.

The embryo transfer was very little pain and just felt like a pap-smear.

My mother-in-law has been a complete blessing. She greeted us Thursday with groceries and made us lunch so I didn't have to worry about doing anything. It was so helpful. And Friday she brought over sprite and crackers as I woke up super nauseous and barely able to move.

Called the doctor to make sure I am okay even though I was so sick and they prescribed a pill that I can take to help with it. It worked wonders and I was feeling better rather quickly and able to sleep for twelve hours straight.

Feeling much better today and have been able to eat throughout the day and sit up without getting sick. That's a huge blessing. I am nervous though that since I am not nauseous anymore maybe the procedure didn't work. Praying still for our miracle baby(ies)!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Sixteen and Happy

Yesterday was the big day. They removed eggs and found 16 that they are able to use and fertilize. We are thrilled. This is a huge number, and a great start since all of them most likely will not fertilize.

Surgery was much more painful than I thought. Woke up in excruciating pain and couldn't stop crying. Because I am allergic to the meds they would normally give me through IV, I had to take a pain pill which took longer to be effective. Also, I was very sick when I woke up so it made it even more difficult to take the pill.

After resting for two hours, they sent us home and said I could take Tylenol for the pain. That has helped a little bit, and a heat pad on my tummy.

We are anxious for the embryos to be implanted and praying that my body is able to carry them. We won't know if procedure worked for a few weeks after they put embryos in, and I am told I have to take it easy for the next couple of weeks so I imagine time will go by slow.

Ready to get back to my house though and burn candles, turn on my music and just rest.

Also, we started progesterone shots in bottom/lower back. One at hospital and then one at 8:30 last night. Assuming I get pregnant, we will have to do these shots daily at 8:30 pm for the next eight weeks. Bottom is bruised and in pain, but totally worth it. We will do whatever it takes to have our little bundle of joy!

Prayers are that my body is able to handle the embryos and we can carry the baby (babies) to full term and deliver a healthy baby (babies).

Saturday, September 20, 2008

One More Day

Yesterday was crazy...After a night full of chest pressure and great difficulty breathing we headed to the ER to make sure it wasn't a heart attack or hyperstimulation. Found out that all was fine, just anxiety. We are grateful for that but dreading the bill as it will most likely not be paid by insurance since we weren't treated at Cox Hospital. God has done miracles before, and this is one more we are asking for...that insurance does cover it.

Last night I took my last Lupron shot at 6:30 and at 10 pm we took the HCG shot that makes me ovulate in 40 something hours. Sunday morning at 10 am they plan to do the surgery to remove my eggs. I am so excited and nervous and overwhelmed that I can hardly sleep or think of anything else. It all comes down to tomorrow and how many eggs we have, how many of them fertilize and how many of them are good enough to use or freeze.

Because they will put two embryos in at a time, I am praying that we will have at least 4 or 5 we can freeze, in addition to the ones they put in me.

They are planning to put two embryos back in me on Wednesday. We are thrilled the entire procedure has jumped up three days and we will most likely get to go home on Thursday. Can't wait for clean clothes (had to buy underwear at WalMart since we didn't go home this weekend as planned) and my own bed.

Prayers are that things run smoothly tomorrow for egg retrieval, that there are plenty of healthy and fast growing embryos to chose from, and plenty to freeze. Also praying that Kyle's "Speciman" is of high enough quality to use so he doesn't require a surgery as well.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

A Scare

Woke up this morning and my tummy is still sensitive, but not as bad as it has been from the shots, so am grateful for that. I inject the Repronex lower on the tummy and I think that helped.

I did however have signs of ovulating around 10 this morning. Freaked out so called Deena, our IVF Specialist at the office and after waiting 30 minutes or longer for her to call us back, and having a cry fest, we finally talked to her and found out the symptoms I had are often side effects to the drugs. Would have been nice to know that ahead of time, but either way we went to get blood work drawn this afternoon just to make sure ovulation has not started.

Because of my follicle sizes, well some of them being larger, they may have us take the HCG shot (med that makes you ovulate 36 hours later) on Saturday night, meaning they would remove the follicles and eggs Monday instead, implanting embryos on Thursday. We are looking forward to that possibility but want to do whatever will give us the highest numbers and highest possibilities.

Prayers are that my body does not ovulate early, follicles continue to grow to size they need to be, and that there are enoug eggs/follicles removed to be able to put two healthy embryos in me, and to allow for us to freeze some for another shot down the road.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Another Day Down

Nausea today has been really bad. Finally got about a four hour break from it and Kyle and I went to a movie and then stopped at H&M to see if they had some camis or other shirts. He just picked up Chinese food from PF Changs and we are going to see how my tummy does with that.

We went to hospital to have them inject the shots today to see if that would help decrease pain and bruising. It didn't. Nurse said it is normal but it made me feel like less of a wuss that she acknowledged how bad the bruising and swelling is.

Ultra sound and blood work went well today too. We only have 10 follicles (out of 36) that have really started growing, so we are praying that we will get at LEAST 10 more if not even more than that to be a good size and removable. They have to be 2 cm to remove. the 10 growing are currently 1 cm. If they are too far over 2 cm, they will be too large to remove/use.

Prayer requests: More follicles growing, that follicles don't get too large, that the follicles growing have eggs in them, and the pain/swelling in tummy goes down.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Iced Tummy

Day three of doing stimulation shots and I am grateful God has given us strength to continue. There is no turning back and I want a child so bad I will do whatever it takes. But goodness these shots are painful.

The Lupron shot I have been doing for over two weeks. It prevents me from ovulating. It is a tiny needle and while it stung when first doing it, my body has become use to it. Also, we have gone from 10 cc to only 5 cc, so it is such a small amount I don't think my body really notices it.

The other two drugs we are doing: Gonal F and Repronax are the stimulation drugs that make my eggs larger. Gonal F is a tiny tiny tiny needle that I can't feel at all, either when I poke my tummy or when I inject the medicine. The Repronax I think is the shot that is literally leaving bruises on my stomach. We currently do 150 ML of the drug. Friday night was the first night to do it and it stung so bad going in I had tears in my eyes. Woke up next morning with a bruised left side and super sensitive stomach. Saturday we did the second shot, this time on the right side. Same thing, extreme stinging when entering it and then woke up this morning with swollen right side and a bit bruised, though not as black and blue as the left side. The right side is so sensitive I can't bend over to tie my shoes without crying as my swollen stomach touches my pants/thigh or whatever gets in its way. Today was shot three (back to the left side). I have an ice pack on the tummy where injections were given yesterday and am hoping it will take down some of the swelling and pain.

Tomorrow we do our second ultra sound and round two of blood work. I am really excited. We will see how we are coming along with egg size, hormones, uterine lining and make sure we don't have signs of hyper stimulation. All in all, things are going well other than the excruciating pain, but even knowing how painful it is, I would do this all over again in a heartbeat...just praying the outcome is a positive one.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

First Day of Monitoring and Three shots

Thursday night I could hardly fall asleep. Was so anxious for our ultra sound and blood testing Friday. We had a 7 am apt that went well. Ultra Sound lady wasn't very friendly, but being as early as it was, maybe she was just tired. Either way, we found out that we have THIRTY-SIX follicles this month. Praise God. We are so excited. While this is a good thing, means we will hopefully have a lot more eggs to work with, it also means increased chance of hyperstimulation. God is in control though and we just have to trust that His will be done. All I can do is get a lot of rest and plenty of fluids.

Blood work was easy, but the thick gauze was so full of blood after the shot we had to get the nurse to reapply it.

Last night (Friday) was also the first night to do three shots in my tummy. It was an overwhelming thought because we were doing two new shots we hadn't done yet and because lately my stomach has been stinging more with each shot. But things ran smoothly, Kyle was a big help with getting syringes ready for me, and the shots went in well, although all three shot spots bled quite a bit.

I woke up this morning with a super painful tummy. There is only a small bruise but I think there must be more bruising under the skin with as sensitive as it is. It hurts to lay on my side or bend down as my bloated stomach touches my legs. I am praying that these three shots a day get easier, but it is only for two more weeks I have to do the stomach shots, and I will do whatever it takes to have a baby!!!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

All on Track

Things are flowing full stream now and I think everything is on track and good to go. We are really getting excited.

Today Kyle went to Seattle for work, so this is shot number two that I had to give myself. It was really scary. I was nervous i wasn't goign to give myself the right amount, couldn't get the air out of the syringe and was just overwhelmed in all, but it was pretty painless and I got through it, with Kyle on the phone walking me through step by step.

Thursday we head to St Louis and Friday we start the ultra sounds and blood work and monitoring to help gaurantee they do the procedure at the right timing. We also start the stimulation shots Friday. Things are moving along quickly. Five more weeks and we will know if this procedure worked.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

True Answer to Prayer

Friday I started the shots. Monday was the last day of birth control. Was informed that if I do not start my period by this Friday (tomorrow, September 5) we would not be able to move forward with the IVF procedure. The entire thing would be canceled, the three months of birth control and sweat and worry and excitement would all have to be done again. As you can imagine, Kyle and I have been a complete wreck. I have had menstrual cramping, but no spotting. We have not stopped praying. I have done everything from trying to eat different things to kick start it, to jumping in place. I know it is silly, but we are that desperate to get this thing started.

This morning I woke up and said one more prayer before going the bathroom and THANK YOU, JESUS, there were the beginning signs of my cycle. Though I know it is not thick enough probably for them to consider moving forward, I was nearly in tears that God is ONCE AGAIN providing.

Just now came out of the bathroom and things are getting a little heavier. I am so grateful to God. I can't believe that in a week from tomorrow I will start the stimulation drugs and in three weeks from yesterday they will plan to retrieve my eggs, fertilize them, and assist in us starting a family. I can do nothing but cry right now as we are so close to the possibility to having children. Thank You Jesus, Thank You!!!

Sunday, August 31, 2008

First of the Shots

Friday we did the first shot. It is Lupron to help prevent ovulation. I was really nervous and scared i would do it wrong, or that the pain would be too great. Kyle was great though and helped me prepare the dosage and walked me through what I needed to do and was really encouraging. It stung a little when it first went in, but everything ran smoothly and once done the sting was a bit more intense but tolerable. There was a small red rash around the injection area, but it went away about an hour later.

Yesterday was shot number two and it was great. didn't hurt at all, until after the shot was done and then there was a bit of a sting, but it was even more tolerable then the shot on Friday. I did wake up this morning with the injection area being rather tender though and I have pretty intense stomach cramping. I am not sure if it is just my ovaries blocking from ovulation or what, but it is hurting at about a scale of 6.

Today we are just taking it easy. I have decided not to go to Kyle's parent's house (we go every Sunday) and to just lay around to hopefully stop or decrease the pain.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Starting the Shots

So this is the week it all begins. This process is becoming more of a reality and I am nervous yet excited. I truly believe that IVF will be the answer but only God knows if this is part of his plan in the end. So until then we will have to learn to patiently wait.

Two weeks ago we went to St Louis to learn how to give the shots. Seems like it will not be too hard, but there are a lot of shots to take and it will be a learning process. We had to give trial shots. One in my stomach I gave myself. It was very small and felt like a bee sting. Slightly painful, but very tolerable. One in my lower back was from Kyle. It was intense waiting for him to stick me, but once he did, it was fine. Bit more painful than the tummy shot, but seems like something i can handle. I did notice that I had a small bruise and a bit of pain where the back shot was two days after the shot. That makes me a little scared of the daily back shot for 8 weeks (start the day of egg removal) but will do whatever it takes. I just want the opportunity to be a mom.

So, Friday is the big Day...we start the shots. August 29, 2008 is the true beginning of this process.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Dr Derosa

Friday we went to St Louis (fourth trip now) and met the OB that will be assisting Dr Silber in the IVF procedure. He was an hour later due to three deliveries that day, but his staff was extremely apologetic and that makes a world of difference.

Dr Derosa is very confident to the point he almost comes across arrogant, but it was comforting knowing he is on the team, as it did reassure us that we have pretty high chances at success through IVF. At the same time, he was so confident that if this procedure does not work, I will be very disappointed and suprised at the failure.

Today met with my OB for the required Pap Smear before our procedure. I love Dr Stamps. He is so gentle, caring and encouraging. He takes the time to get to know the patient and shows true concern for his patients. I am thankful he will be the one to deliver our children. He did the exam and at the end said all looked well and he thought we would have no problems with IVF and he believes that we will get pregnant through this process as well. That is two doctors that have basically given "gaurantees" so again, if this DOESN'T work...i will be a mess.

God, PLEASE, please, please bless us with a baby. Allow us to be parents and help my body to accept and carry the embryos and deliver healthy babies.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Less than a month

Tuesday was the one month mark until we start shots. I am anxious to mvoe forward, complete the process and have a baby to call our own. One thing is for sure, this child God blesses us with will be loved more than any other child could possibly know.

Still having problems with the BC pill. Started the spotting Sunday night and it has slowly gotten worse. Called our IVF doctor DAILY this week and finally today heard back that we are to continue as we are. don't change a thing. Previously they were considering doubling the dose to two pills a day due to the bleeding, but after a talk today with our IVF specialist, they have decided not to do that. Apparently they have had a few people that double up struggle with the stimulation meds working. So, we will see. Still trusting God is in control and will just take things one day at a time.

Feeling really emotional and unattractive lately. Got hair done this afternoon though and that really helped. Colored it espresso and it is so much shinier having it done professional!!! and got a cute bob due with front about 2 1/2 inches longer than in the back. i am starting to think i have had this cut for too long as i have had it for nearly a year now, but i figure since it is still the "in" cut, I am okay. at least i hope i am.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Looking Up

So, things are looking up a bit. We went to St Louis Tuesday and can I just say I have the sweetest husband out there? It ws that time of the month where my cramps are so severe I can do nothing but curl in a ball and cry. Well, we had to leave springfield at 5 in the morning to get to our St Louis apt on time, and Kyle let me sleep the entire way up there, stopped once for me to use the restroom and didn't complain, and then the way back he let me sleep as well without complaining. A four hour drive there without anyone to talk to, then four hours back 15 minutes later is quite the drive without being able to blare your music to keep you awake or anything. It was really appreciated though.

Anyhow, we got to St Louis nearly an hour early, and they let us get in right away, did teh ultra sound in 15 minutes and then we were back on the road to gorgeous Springfield. Found out that I have 20 folicles on my right ovary, 8 on my left ovary. That is pretty great to have a total of 28 folicles. While that does not mean that I have 28 eggs, it does give us quite the large number to work with. So we are both pretty happy abut that and praying that with the stimulation drugs, the folicles will be large enough to remove and that we will have a large quantity of eggs to work with. Obviously the more eggs you have, the more you can fertilize and the more likely you are to get healthy embryos. We still have over a month before we start the stimulation drugs, but this week we were given a bit more hope, so we are looking up today.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Crying Episode

Ahhh, why do I have to be so emotional all the time? We went to life group last night and we have two newer couples that weren't there a few months back when Kyle and I talked about being infertile. So they have not heard all our drama, though I will say from the time we announced it several months ago, we really haven't talked about it much. We are just tight lipped people.

So at life group, the question was asked "What has God really shown you lately." and we were encouraged to go around the room and each person or couple share. Everyone shared but Kyle and I, so our friends to our right kept looking at us. I told kyle to start thinking of what to share so i didn't have to talk, knowing that if i DID talk, i would start came to our turn, and Kyle just sat there, so I decided to share.

God has honestly done so much in our lives lately and has really revealed a lot to us, but the thing that has really hit home to me is just that I have NO CONTROL over my life. God is in control, He is the one driving the car and really I need to sit back and obey him. It will be easier if I hop on board with God's plan and follow what he has for me then fight it for years only to have to give in at the end and follow his will.

So I was trying to share this last night, and the second i started talking, i started crying, of course. And I just kept looking at Kyle trying to be like, hello, take over...but he just gave me that look of, i don't know what to do. hahaha. Anyhow, i SOMEHOW managed to get out a portion of what i was trying to say, in between deep breaths, sucking in a bunch of air, and sobbing because of saying God has revealed a lot of this to us through the baby situation. Well, Kyle ended up taking over for me, after several minutes. and then the new couples were like, sorry, we're new, can you update us on the baby thing, or is that something you were willing to share with the group?

For some reason at this point tears stopped, and i was able to speak clearly and all, but it just gets frustrating. i know that people mean the best and they only try to help us and what not, but sometimes we just want to say, "here is our situation, this is what we are going through, the end". The new couples though want us to open up, share our emotion, cry with them, and then they want to give us a million alternatives, which again is sweet. But we have been going through this two years now and we are fully aware what our options are. Of course it is our own fault as we didn't go into detail about us doing invitro and all that as we don't want to have to tell people dates and times and etc...but whatever.

So I thought after my embarassing episode I was all cried out, but of course today I am hormonal and overwhelmed and still feel sad. What's even more awkward is there is another couple there that we have grown pretty close to that is also infertile. they have only been trying for a bit over a year, which I still consider to be a LONG time, but it is awkward to be so wrapped up in what we are going through when there are other couples out there going through the same stuff.

Today my attitude is grateful and hopeful. Grateful that we have such an amazing support team that holds us up when we are down and comforts us when we are going through difficult times and reminds us that God is in control and has a plan for our lives. And hopeful that this process will work, that we will be parents someday and that we will continue to grow in the ways that God wants us to grow.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

A Bit Much

I am beginning to feel extremely overwhelmed, powerless and weighed down by fear. I am a rather controlling person-always have been. i guess that is part of being the baby of the family. Use to having what I want, the way i want it. Funny how it has been 27 years of hard lesson after lesson and yet I am still learning that i have no control over most things in my life. that's why we have teach us, train us, guide us and lead us, and yet somehow, as a stubborn young believer i have found myself once again confused and overwhelmed with the thought that i have no control on the outcome of that which is to come.

Finished my first pack of birth control pills. All in all, it didn't go well. first few weeks i had heavy spotting. nurse told me to call only when it became heavy, so i called to tell her it had gotten worse, she directed me to the OB nurse who told me it wasn't heavy enough to worry about. So, after 2 full weeks of stressing about the pill not working, and Kyle continually reminding me that my body doesn't do well or react correctly to most drugs, i was in the clear. spotting stopped, life was good. of course i still had the nausea from the pill, but was taking stuff for a sinus infection at the same time, so really i attribute the nausea more to that.

Thursday was my last day to take the pill. Woke up Thursday morning with spotting. seeing as how i hadn't missed a single pill, spotting AGAIN was not normal, but i brushed it off as it was light spotting. took my last pill that night and just waited to see what happened. Friday i woke up, clots instead of just spotting. i still had pill in my body (had just taken it 12 hours earlier) so there is no reason that i should have been heavy spotting. I called the nurse who told me to consider it my day one of the period, would start me back on BC on the 18th of july and told me to call a different number to schedule an ultra sound where they determine how many folicles i have, if the BC is doing what it is suppoes to do to my uterine lining, etc. so we are scheduled for that on Tuesday of this coming week. the frustration is originally they told me day 3 or day 4 i would need to get an ultrasound. well i don't even know when my day one will be as day one is defined as the day you have HEAVY bleeding. since friday was just a morning thing, and really i have only spotted since, i don't think friday was my day one. so now i am stressing because the nurse changed the ultrasound requirements to be that i need it done on my first few days of my period. doesn't have to be day 3 or 4...So, whatever...

It is difficult to express what we are going through and what my body is experiencing physically and i feel like they are basing my information on what they would normally tell people. But, i am a 14 day cycle girl, not a normal 7 day girl. so everything going on with my body i feel is wrong and that they aren't correctly doing things. i am scared they are going to do the ultra sound and find out they did it on the wrong day, so we will have to go back out to St louis, spend more money getting out there AGAIN, and spend money paying for MORE ultrasounds even though it would have been their error. also, one nurse talked about possibly doubling up my bc since i am heavy spotting throughout the thing. i don't know why they wouldn't just go ahead and plan on doing that. since i told them that i was heavy spotting, i would think they would just go ahead and move forward with FIXING the problem from the get go. i am worried by the time they try to fix it, it will be too late and i will have to bump back the retrieval date, or something will go wrong.

I am stressing because i feel like there is so much pressure on ME. I have to take the pills at the right time, do the shots at the right time, calculate cycles at the right time, start bc at the right time, do the ultra sound at the right's all up to me and my body. but i have no control over my body. that's just it. i have to rely soley on God showing us favor and cutting us a break...and i feel like we haven't had any breaks, and like we aren't going to get any breaks. i am scared i am going to go through all this just to be let down once again...and i don't think i can handle another heartbreak. we want to be parents so badly. we just want a healthy baby and the chance to raise him or her,and we want to teach our child the ways of god, and the importance of family, and blessings of love...It's funny how life seems so perfect, and yet the cross we have to bear is perhaps the greatest desire a woman could ever have.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Always Sick

My oh my am I sick of being sick. I just got over brohncitus in May and now am fighting a sinus infection. The pressure behind my eyes is untollerable, the pain in my head is enormeous and if I go to speak, i break out into a cough attack.

I have been trying to improve my eating by adding more fruits and vegetables but it seems to have done little to no good. Kyle said it is because it has only been a couple weeks, but my thought is that day ONE i should have started to feel a change. that's part of me being impatient in life I guess.

So, although i took mots of the day off yesterday, i plan to go to our team lunch and then head home to "work from home" this afternoon, which really translates to lay down on the couch, watch tv, and try to fight the desire to cry until I feel better.

Wish my mommy was here to play with my hair.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Long Awaited Update

While it has been forever since I have blogged, the drama in no way has slowed down.
We are moving full steam ahead with Invitro and extremely nervous and fearful that it may not work, but excited about the possibility.

June 15, 2008 we finally decided on our doctor, Dr Silber, out of St Louis, MO. He is a short older man that mumbles when he talks, but he is truly adorable and has amazing background in medicine. We are trusting that if the procedure will work, he is the one to perform it on us. So we called his office, made our first downpayment (only 1/40th of what we will owe..literally) and scheduled our date for this fall.

They started me on birth control June 20 (Friday), as that was already day three into my cycle and Kyle and I were both nervous about this part as I have tried more than half a dozen birth controls and none of them have worked for me. However, we have done as instructed, taking the pill daily at the exact same time (6:30pm) and staying rather anal about being on time. My cycle ended within a few days on the pill (by Monday afternoon) so we were excited to see this was working, only to be let down with spotting by Tuesday evening.

Called the nurse Wednesday, who is sweet as can be and another reason that we chose this doctor, and she told me I am fine as long as it is not tampon-heavy (sorry if that is too much detail) or bright red. Well, of course Kyle and I aren't that lucky. Sunday morning I woke up to a large clot, but the rest of the day was rather calm and hardly any spotting. Again, we got our hopes up and felt like maybe my body was still just purging itself from previous cycle, but this morning (Monday, June 30) we woke up to the same problem, again. We are both rather stressed as this is an extremely expensive procedure and we fear that they won't be able to regulate me with birth control and this will either delay or prevent the procedure from occuring.

Our marriage is wonderful and we are truly blessed, but we would be lying if we didn't say that this process will either make or break a couple. We are doing our best to pull together during this time and trust in God for strength to make it through this. Our greatest desire to be parents is something that we are still having to realize may never come to be. So until then, until we get the answers needed, until we complete the procedure, go through all the testing and find out a positive yes we are pregnant, and until those nine months of carrying a child are complete, we are simply wishing, hoping, praying and clinging to hope that God will have mercy on us and bless us and make our family complete.

Monday, June 2, 2008


We went into this knowing it would cost a lot of money but just got the breakdown from the people that we met with last week and it is about $10k more than we were expecting, per cycle. there are a lot of hidden costs and we apparently didn't realize that? It will be interesting to see if the doc we meet with next week is just as outrageous on cost.

I am feeling really stressed and overwhelmed at the entire thought of the finances and doing my best to not think about it, but within the past 20 minutes my head has begun pounding and i am just extremely overwhelmed. I will do whatever it takes to have a baby, but the financial part is rather scary.

i am hoping to talk with Jeri this week, a friend of a friend's that did invitro last year with the doc that we met last week. God is in control and knows what we need done and truly does not give us more than we can handle. i need to remember that continually.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

one more week

A week from today and we will meet our first of two infertility doctors. The first one is the one my OB doctor recommended and one that he has worked with in the past. because of that i am tempted to chose him, but i want to do what is best for Kyle and me, and what will give us the best chances of carrying a child.

I am very anxious to meet this guy, and to have all our questions answered. A friend of a friend went through in-vitro and used this doctor so we are suppose to call her and ask her our questions and get her feedback, but she works until 8:30 at night and that seems so late. it is hard for me to remember to call her. So, we will see.

We are still in deep prayer that the Lord's will be done in our lives and that God give us direction about what he would like for us to do. There is the question of the finances, the timing, the medications...a million things that you don't really think about in too much detail when conceiving naturally. But again, this is when we have to look to God and trust that He is in control.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Roller Coaster

It has been a roller coaster for us the past couple weeks. We found out April 29 that the surgery we invested time, money and hope in did not work. We both had a feeling it wouldn't and perhaps we should have listened to that, although then we would have always been wondering what now it's starting over at square one and going forward.

We have a meeting with a fertility specialist that my OB recommended on May 28. It is a little nerve racking to think what they will recommend and the money and energy that will be required to have children, but completely worth it. We both want to be parents so bad that we are willing to do whatever it takes at this point, even if it means investing our life savings. Well, maybe not LIFE savings. :)

We have another Appointment June 10 with a doctor that we saw a show on Discovery Health Channel about that specializes in certain types of fertility. Their staff is amazing and i have to admit I am leaning more toward them today then the other doctor just because they were so friendly and helpful. However, i am a huge Dr Stamps (my OB) lover, so the doctor he recommended I will admit makes me want to go to him. Sigh, The decisions...

So, as we have been for the past two years, we are in waiting mode. Next month will be 24 months since we have been trying to conceive and I can't wait to receive our blessing and move forward in life, but i also know that God's timing is perfect, and if he wants us to wait, so be it. I just need a big billboard with a message of direction from the Lord. :)

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. We are ready now for Plan C...whatever it may be.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Nervously waiting

Well, i have done rather well since my last post. though i have had two ov cycles since last entree, and i am getting ready to start my cyle, i have kept my chin up and done my best to remain optomistic. the past coule of days have been a bit of a struggle for me though i must admit. not sure why, but they have. we will be doing testing on kyle again in the next couple of weeks and my greatest fear is that we will get news that surgery did not help and we are stuck at square one, where we have no direction or guidance. Please keep us in your prayers as we nervously await. thanks.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Feeling Positive

I recently had the opportunity to reconnect with a high school girlfriend via texting and cell phone and I am thrilled. She was always a wonderful Christian influence and it was encouraging to see that she is not only still living for the Lord but going full force. God is good to help us reconnect.

She updated me on life and all it's mysteries and after updates on my end of course asked the question that EVERYONE asks...when are you going to have children. really didn't want to have the long drawn out explanation and go into all the details, but did, and afterward felt really positive for the first time in a long time about the situation. i feel that i have done really well with keeping the mentality the entire time that God is in control and in HIS timing we will be parents, and in His way. But i continually struggle with the depression or the idea of not being a mother someday becoming extremely overwhelmng, but again, for whatever reason God really used Nicole to make me feel a peace for the first time in a long time. I am greatful for that.

So in a week or two i will start my cycle and will most likely be upset and sad and cry, but also taking courage and strength knowing that in a month kyle can do another testing and we will be able to determine if the surgery worked or if we need to consider other options. so waiting, as i have been for the past two years, but none the less, waiting with hope.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

And another...

Yesterday afternoon i received news that yet another friend is pregnant. while i rejoice with her in the blessing that the Lord has given them, i can't help but sturggle on my end with jealousy. Tears welled up in my eyes and i wanted to shut my office door and just allow myself to sulk and be depressed, but instead i put a smile on my face, thanked the Lord for the blessing and said a quick prayer for our own blessing some day soon. the rest of the day i did my best to pretend all was okay but that little voice inside of me kept screaming out with fear that I may never know that joy.

I knew that when i got home i should probably email them a congrats and let them know that i am praying for them (as i truly will be) and that my thoughts are with them as they go through this exciting time in their life, but each time i went to type i couldn't help but once again start crying.

This morning i opened my emails to see the cutest announcement anyone could possibly make for sharing with the world their joy, and though i am happy for them, once again, as i have stated in this blog 400 times, i am jealous and really just want to ignore the entire situation. I did manage to type two sentences and click send.

So, that's how i am doing today. Not good. depressed and feeling sorry for myself. The funny thing is that God has blessed me with so many things and in so many ways. It is really more of a slap in the face to Him than anything, i am sure, for me to be so down when He has done so much to bring me up. So today i am going to hold my head high, put a smile on my face, hold back the tears and remember all that the Lord HAS blessed us with: a beautiful home, an amazing marriage, great families, finances, friends, jobs, sight, ability to hear, i can walk, and most of all i have an oustanding support group that holds me up when i begin to fall.

Sunday, February 17, 2008


Finally opening Where do you begin a blog? with the recap of what you have gone through or the onlook of what is to come? Perhaps a mixture of both would allow one to truly understand my heart and mentality at this point in life, but that sounds rather scary and risky to me to allow someone to enter my mind when i don't even really know where i stand right now. My biggest struggle in life is none other than the monthly reminder that I am not a mother, and the undending question of whether or not i will ever meet that goal in my life. Name it claim it is the famous saying and as a woman of faith i feel that as though i am in the wrong to question whether or not we will one day be parents to our own flesh and blood, yet the other side of my head is continually reminding me that we have been trying for 20 months now and our chances are rather slim. I do know one thing. if i ever have the chance to carry a baby in my womb i will not take it for granted and will thank the Lord above daily for my miracle. That being said, i suppose i have to also believe that if my miracle never comes, the Lord is still in control and it is not that he is not workng in me, nor is it that miracles are not happening in my life...rather he has an alternative plan. right? I once heard a preacher say to never pray for patience unless you want to be tested. I find myself reminding God daily that i am not a patient person, nor do i want to even attempt to be, yet time and time again my patience is tried. So, twenty months have gone, and many more will pass, but today i am doing my best to cling to God and the Promise that he is not only in control but he does not give us more than we can handle.