Thursday, July 31, 2008

Less than a month

Tuesday was the one month mark until we start shots. I am anxious to mvoe forward, complete the process and have a baby to call our own. One thing is for sure, this child God blesses us with will be loved more than any other child could possibly know.

Still having problems with the BC pill. Started the spotting Sunday night and it has slowly gotten worse. Called our IVF doctor DAILY this week and finally today heard back that we are to continue as we are. don't change a thing. Previously they were considering doubling the dose to two pills a day due to the bleeding, but after a talk today with our IVF specialist, they have decided not to do that. Apparently they have had a few people that double up struggle with the stimulation meds working. So, we will see. Still trusting God is in control and will just take things one day at a time.

Feeling really emotional and unattractive lately. Got hair done this afternoon though and that really helped. Colored it espresso and it is so much shinier having it done professional!!! and got a cute bob due with front about 2 1/2 inches longer than in the back. i am starting to think i have had this cut for too long as i have had it for nearly a year now, but i figure since it is still the "in" cut, I am okay. at least i hope i am.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Looking Up

So, things are looking up a bit. We went to St Louis Tuesday and can I just say I have the sweetest husband out there? It ws that time of the month where my cramps are so severe I can do nothing but curl in a ball and cry. Well, we had to leave springfield at 5 in the morning to get to our St Louis apt on time, and Kyle let me sleep the entire way up there, stopped once for me to use the restroom and didn't complain, and then the way back he let me sleep as well without complaining. A four hour drive there without anyone to talk to, then four hours back 15 minutes later is quite the drive without being able to blare your music to keep you awake or anything. It was really appreciated though.

Anyhow, we got to St Louis nearly an hour early, and they let us get in right away, did teh ultra sound in 15 minutes and then we were back on the road to gorgeous Springfield. Found out that I have 20 folicles on my right ovary, 8 on my left ovary. That is pretty great to have a total of 28 folicles. While that does not mean that I have 28 eggs, it does give us quite the large number to work with. So we are both pretty happy abut that and praying that with the stimulation drugs, the folicles will be large enough to remove and that we will have a large quantity of eggs to work with. Obviously the more eggs you have, the more you can fertilize and the more likely you are to get healthy embryos. We still have over a month before we start the stimulation drugs, but this week we were given a bit more hope, so we are looking up today.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Crying Episode

Ahhh, why do I have to be so emotional all the time? We went to life group last night and we have two newer couples that weren't there a few months back when Kyle and I talked about being infertile. So they have not heard all our drama, though I will say from the time we announced it several months ago, we really haven't talked about it much. We are just tight lipped people.

So at life group, the question was asked "What has God really shown you lately." and we were encouraged to go around the room and each person or couple share. Everyone shared but Kyle and I, so our friends to our right kept looking at us. I told kyle to start thinking of what to share so i didn't have to talk, knowing that if i DID talk, i would start came to our turn, and Kyle just sat there, so I decided to share.

God has honestly done so much in our lives lately and has really revealed a lot to us, but the thing that has really hit home to me is just that I have NO CONTROL over my life. God is in control, He is the one driving the car and really I need to sit back and obey him. It will be easier if I hop on board with God's plan and follow what he has for me then fight it for years only to have to give in at the end and follow his will.

So I was trying to share this last night, and the second i started talking, i started crying, of course. And I just kept looking at Kyle trying to be like, hello, take over...but he just gave me that look of, i don't know what to do. hahaha. Anyhow, i SOMEHOW managed to get out a portion of what i was trying to say, in between deep breaths, sucking in a bunch of air, and sobbing because of saying God has revealed a lot of this to us through the baby situation. Well, Kyle ended up taking over for me, after several minutes. and then the new couples were like, sorry, we're new, can you update us on the baby thing, or is that something you were willing to share with the group?

For some reason at this point tears stopped, and i was able to speak clearly and all, but it just gets frustrating. i know that people mean the best and they only try to help us and what not, but sometimes we just want to say, "here is our situation, this is what we are going through, the end". The new couples though want us to open up, share our emotion, cry with them, and then they want to give us a million alternatives, which again is sweet. But we have been going through this two years now and we are fully aware what our options are. Of course it is our own fault as we didn't go into detail about us doing invitro and all that as we don't want to have to tell people dates and times and etc...but whatever.

So I thought after my embarassing episode I was all cried out, but of course today I am hormonal and overwhelmed and still feel sad. What's even more awkward is there is another couple there that we have grown pretty close to that is also infertile. they have only been trying for a bit over a year, which I still consider to be a LONG time, but it is awkward to be so wrapped up in what we are going through when there are other couples out there going through the same stuff.

Today my attitude is grateful and hopeful. Grateful that we have such an amazing support team that holds us up when we are down and comforts us when we are going through difficult times and reminds us that God is in control and has a plan for our lives. And hopeful that this process will work, that we will be parents someday and that we will continue to grow in the ways that God wants us to grow.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

A Bit Much

I am beginning to feel extremely overwhelmed, powerless and weighed down by fear. I am a rather controlling person-always have been. i guess that is part of being the baby of the family. Use to having what I want, the way i want it. Funny how it has been 27 years of hard lesson after lesson and yet I am still learning that i have no control over most things in my life. that's why we have teach us, train us, guide us and lead us, and yet somehow, as a stubborn young believer i have found myself once again confused and overwhelmed with the thought that i have no control on the outcome of that which is to come.

Finished my first pack of birth control pills. All in all, it didn't go well. first few weeks i had heavy spotting. nurse told me to call only when it became heavy, so i called to tell her it had gotten worse, she directed me to the OB nurse who told me it wasn't heavy enough to worry about. So, after 2 full weeks of stressing about the pill not working, and Kyle continually reminding me that my body doesn't do well or react correctly to most drugs, i was in the clear. spotting stopped, life was good. of course i still had the nausea from the pill, but was taking stuff for a sinus infection at the same time, so really i attribute the nausea more to that.

Thursday was my last day to take the pill. Woke up Thursday morning with spotting. seeing as how i hadn't missed a single pill, spotting AGAIN was not normal, but i brushed it off as it was light spotting. took my last pill that night and just waited to see what happened. Friday i woke up, clots instead of just spotting. i still had pill in my body (had just taken it 12 hours earlier) so there is no reason that i should have been heavy spotting. I called the nurse who told me to consider it my day one of the period, would start me back on BC on the 18th of july and told me to call a different number to schedule an ultra sound where they determine how many folicles i have, if the BC is doing what it is suppoes to do to my uterine lining, etc. so we are scheduled for that on Tuesday of this coming week. the frustration is originally they told me day 3 or day 4 i would need to get an ultrasound. well i don't even know when my day one will be as day one is defined as the day you have HEAVY bleeding. since friday was just a morning thing, and really i have only spotted since, i don't think friday was my day one. so now i am stressing because the nurse changed the ultrasound requirements to be that i need it done on my first few days of my period. doesn't have to be day 3 or 4...So, whatever...

It is difficult to express what we are going through and what my body is experiencing physically and i feel like they are basing my information on what they would normally tell people. But, i am a 14 day cycle girl, not a normal 7 day girl. so everything going on with my body i feel is wrong and that they aren't correctly doing things. i am scared they are going to do the ultra sound and find out they did it on the wrong day, so we will have to go back out to St louis, spend more money getting out there AGAIN, and spend money paying for MORE ultrasounds even though it would have been their error. also, one nurse talked about possibly doubling up my bc since i am heavy spotting throughout the thing. i don't know why they wouldn't just go ahead and plan on doing that. since i told them that i was heavy spotting, i would think they would just go ahead and move forward with FIXING the problem from the get go. i am worried by the time they try to fix it, it will be too late and i will have to bump back the retrieval date, or something will go wrong.

I am stressing because i feel like there is so much pressure on ME. I have to take the pills at the right time, do the shots at the right time, calculate cycles at the right time, start bc at the right time, do the ultra sound at the right's all up to me and my body. but i have no control over my body. that's just it. i have to rely soley on God showing us favor and cutting us a break...and i feel like we haven't had any breaks, and like we aren't going to get any breaks. i am scared i am going to go through all this just to be let down once again...and i don't think i can handle another heartbreak. we want to be parents so badly. we just want a healthy baby and the chance to raise him or her,and we want to teach our child the ways of god, and the importance of family, and blessings of love...It's funny how life seems so perfect, and yet the cross we have to bear is perhaps the greatest desire a woman could ever have.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Always Sick

My oh my am I sick of being sick. I just got over brohncitus in May and now am fighting a sinus infection. The pressure behind my eyes is untollerable, the pain in my head is enormeous and if I go to speak, i break out into a cough attack.

I have been trying to improve my eating by adding more fruits and vegetables but it seems to have done little to no good. Kyle said it is because it has only been a couple weeks, but my thought is that day ONE i should have started to feel a change. that's part of me being impatient in life I guess.

So, although i took mots of the day off yesterday, i plan to go to our team lunch and then head home to "work from home" this afternoon, which really translates to lay down on the couch, watch tv, and try to fight the desire to cry until I feel better.

Wish my mommy was here to play with my hair.