Yesterday afternoon i received news that yet another friend is pregnant. while i rejoice with her in the blessing that the Lord has given them, i can't help but sturggle on my end with jealousy. Tears welled up in my eyes and i wanted to shut my office door and just allow myself to sulk and be depressed, but instead i put a smile on my face, thanked the Lord for the blessing and said a quick prayer for our own blessing some day soon. the rest of the day i did my best to pretend all was okay but that little voice inside of me kept screaming out with fear that I may never know that joy.
I knew that when i got home i should probably email them a congrats and let them know that i am praying for them (as i truly will be) and that my thoughts are with them as they go through this exciting time in their life, but each time i went to type i couldn't help but once again start crying.
This morning i opened my emails to see the cutest announcement anyone could possibly make for sharing with the world their joy, and though i am happy for them, once again, as i have stated in this blog 400 times, i am jealous and really just want to ignore the entire situation. I did manage to type two sentences and click send.
So, that's how i am doing today. Not good. depressed and feeling sorry for myself. The funny thing is that God has blessed me with so many things and in so many ways. It is really more of a slap in the face to Him than anything, i am sure, for me to be so down when He has done so much to bring me up. So today i am going to hold my head high, put a smile on my face, hold back the tears and remember all that the Lord HAS blessed us with: a beautiful home, an amazing marriage, great families, finances, friends, jobs, sight, ability to hear, i can walk, and most of all i have an oustanding support group that holds me up when i begin to fall.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Finally opening Where do you begin a blog? with the recap of what you have gone through or the onlook of what is to come? Perhaps a mixture of both would allow one to truly understand my heart and mentality at this point in life, but that sounds rather scary and risky to me to allow someone to enter my mind when i don't even really know where i stand right now. My biggest struggle in life is none other than the monthly reminder that I am not a mother, and the undending question of whether or not i will ever meet that goal in my life. Name it claim it is the famous saying and as a woman of faith i feel that as though i am in the wrong to question whether or not we will one day be parents to our own flesh and blood, yet the other side of my head is continually reminding me that we have been trying for 20 months now and our chances are rather slim. I do know one thing. if i ever have the chance to carry a baby in my womb i will not take it for granted and will thank the Lord above daily for my miracle. That being said, i suppose i have to also believe that if my miracle never comes, the Lord is still in control and it is not that he is not workng in me, nor is it that miracles are not happening in my life...rather he has an alternative plan. right? I once heard a preacher say to never pray for patience unless you want to be tested. I find myself reminding God daily that i am not a patient person, nor do i want to even attempt to be, yet time and time again my patience is tried. So, twenty months have gone, and many more will pass, but today i am doing my best to cling to God and the Promise that he is not only in control but he does not give us more than we can handle.