A Bit Much

I am beginning to feel extremely overwhelmed, powerless and weighed down by fear. I am a rather controlling person-always have been. i guess that is part of being the baby of the family. Use to having what I want, the way i want it. Funny how it has been 27 years of hard lesson after lesson and yet I am still learning that i have no control over most things in my life. that's why we have God...to teach us, train us, guide us and lead us, and yet somehow, as a stubborn young believer i have found myself once again confused and overwhelmed with the thought that i have no control on the outcome of that which is to come.

Finished my first pack of birth control pills. All in all, it didn't go well. first few weeks i had heavy spotting. nurse told me to call only when it became heavy, so i called to tell her it had gotten worse, she directed me to the OB nurse who told me it wasn't heavy enough to worry about. So, after 2 full weeks of stressing about the pill not working, and Kyle continually reminding me that my body doesn't do well or react correctly to most drugs, i was in the clear. spotting stopped, life was good. of course i still had the nausea from the pill, but was taking stuff for a sinus infection at the same time, so really i attribute the nausea more to that.

Thursday was my last day to take the pill. Woke up Thursday morning with spotting. seeing as how i hadn't missed a single pill, spotting AGAIN was not normal, but i brushed it off as it was light spotting. took my last pill that night and just waited to see what happened. Friday i woke up, clots instead of just spotting. i still had pill in my body (had just taken it 12 hours earlier) so there is no reason that i should have been heavy spotting. I called the nurse who told me to consider it my day one of the period, would start me back on BC on the 18th of july and told me to call a different number to schedule an ultra sound where they determine how many folicles i have, if the BC is doing what it is suppoes to do to my uterine lining, etc. so we are scheduled for that on Tuesday of this coming week. the frustration is originally they told me day 3 or day 4 i would need to get an ultrasound. well i don't even know when my day one will be as day one is defined as the day you have HEAVY bleeding. since friday was just a morning thing, and really i have only spotted since, i don't think friday was my day one. so now i am stressing because the nurse changed the ultrasound requirements to be that i need it done on my first few days of my period. doesn't have to be day 3 or 4...So, whatever...

It is difficult to express what we are going through and what my body is experiencing physically and i feel like they are basing my information on what they would normally tell people. But, i am a 14 day cycle girl, not a normal 7 day girl. so everything going on with my body i feel is wrong and that they aren't correctly doing things. i am scared they are going to do the ultra sound and find out they did it on the wrong day, so we will have to go back out to St louis, spend more money getting out there AGAIN, and spend money paying for MORE ultrasounds even though it would have been their error. also, one nurse talked about possibly doubling up my bc since i am heavy spotting throughout the thing. i don't know why they wouldn't just go ahead and plan on doing that. since i told them that i was heavy spotting, i would think they would just go ahead and move forward with FIXING the problem from the get go. i am worried by the time they try to fix it, it will be too late and i will have to bump back the retrieval date, or something will go wrong.

I am stressing because i feel like there is so much pressure on ME. I have to take the pills at the right time, do the shots at the right time, calculate cycles at the right time, start bc at the right time, do the ultra sound at the right time...it's all up to me and my body. but i have no control over my body. that's just it. i have to rely soley on God showing us favor and cutting us a break...and i feel like we haven't had any breaks, and like we aren't going to get any breaks. i am scared i am going to go through all this just to be let down once again...and i don't think i can handle another heartbreak. we want to be parents so badly. we just want a healthy baby and the chance to raise him or her,and we want to teach our child the ways of god, and the importance of family, and blessings of love...It's funny how life seems so perfect, and yet the cross we have to bear is perhaps the greatest desire a woman could ever have.