Crying Episode

Ahhh, why do I have to be so emotional all the time? We went to life group last night and we have two newer couples that weren't there a few months back when Kyle and I talked about being infertile. So they have not heard all our drama, though I will say from the time we announced it several months ago, we really haven't talked about it much. We are just tight lipped people.

So at life group, the question was asked "What has God really shown you lately." and we were encouraged to go around the room and each person or couple share. Everyone shared but Kyle and I, so our friends to our right kept looking at us. I told kyle to start thinking of what to share so i didn't have to talk, knowing that if i DID talk, i would start crying...it came to our turn, and Kyle just sat there, so I decided to share.

God has honestly done so much in our lives lately and has really revealed a lot to us, but the thing that has really hit home to me is just that I have NO CONTROL over my life. God is in control, He is the one driving the car and really I need to sit back and obey him. It will be easier if I hop on board with God's plan and follow what he has for me then fight it for years only to have to give in at the end and follow his will.

So I was trying to share this last night, and the second i started talking, i started crying, of course. And I just kept looking at Kyle trying to be like, hello, take over...but he just gave me that look of, i don't know what to do. hahaha. Anyhow, i SOMEHOW managed to get out a portion of what i was trying to say, in between deep breaths, sucking in a bunch of air, and sobbing because of saying God has revealed a lot of this to us through the baby situation. Well, Kyle ended up taking over for me, after several minutes. and then the new couples were like, sorry, we're new, can you update us on the baby thing, or is that something you were willing to share with the group?

For some reason at this point tears stopped, and i was able to speak clearly and all, but it just gets frustrating. i know that people mean the best and they only try to help us and what not, but sometimes we just want to say, "here is our situation, this is what we are going through, the end". The new couples though want us to open up, share our emotion, cry with them, and then they want to give us a million alternatives, which again is sweet. But we have been going through this two years now and we are fully aware what our options are. Of course it is our own fault as we didn't go into detail about us doing invitro and all that as we don't want to have to tell people dates and times and etc...but whatever.

So I thought after my embarassing episode I was all cried out, but of course today I am hormonal and overwhelmed and still feel sad. What's even more awkward is there is another couple there that we have grown pretty close to that is also infertile. they have only been trying for a bit over a year, which I still consider to be a LONG time, but it is awkward to be so wrapped up in what we are going through when there are other couples out there going through the same stuff.

Today my attitude is grateful and hopeful. Grateful that we have such an amazing support team that holds us up when we are down and comforts us when we are going through difficult times and reminds us that God is in control and has a plan for our lives. And hopeful that this process will work, that we will be parents someday and that we will continue to grow in the ways that God wants us to grow.