Doesn't stop

Eventually I will look back at this blog and think, wow that's a lot of "quotes" from the kids, and they aren't really that funny. But for now, I just can't stop recording because the sayings don't stop. Keaton, "we're not suppose to say dirty words like poo poo and tootie. We are only suppose to say nice words, like I love you, and house decorating stuff, and God gives us everything we need." While eating chicken strips, Keaton said, "I like eating, but something I love even more than that is you, mom." I was going to the doctor to pick something up and McKenna was worried I was going to get bum bum medicine (enimas). Keaton said, "hospitals and doctors love giving bum bum medicine. It's their favorite idea." While checking out the presents under the tree, Keaton said, "these presents sure look dirty. We better unwrap so we can clean them." When told he can't open today he said, "we'll, okay, but I can open when I want to. I will wait until Christmas." On another note, this has been a fun week. We sewed blankets together on the sewing machine. McKenna made a butterfly one, Keaton a lightening McQueen cars one. The kids have been excited to look for Pheneous everyday. Especially McKenna. We have watched Christmas shows, played games like wack a mole, made Christmas crafts, had playdates and spent fun time together.

Potty Trained McKenna

I think McKenna is finally potty trained during the day. At nights it will be difficult, if not impossible, as long as Mickey is on the feeding tube. I am beyond excited and proud of her for accomplishing this huge task. She loves wearing her big girl panties. And when we go out, Mommy puts a diaper under her panties just to be sure we don't ruin clothes and make a huge mess although she always comes home dry now for at least two weeks, and we call that her travel underwear.

Sick Keaton

Poor little Keaton has been so sick this week. Started Thursday night with extreme puking. He came to our room, laid head on bed and said his belly was upset. He always makes excuses to sleep in our room, so I told him to go back to bed, but I kept playing with his hair while he laid his head on the bed. After a few minutes of doing that, I asked daddy if it was okay for Keaton to sleep with us. He of course said yes because he can't resist our cute little ones. Within an hour or so Keaton puked all over the bed, in mommy's hair and face, and through the sheets. Daddy was amazing every time Keaton puked. He would clean the puke bowl, clean sheets and blankets, make the bed, wash his clothes, etc. After the first episode, daddy slept on the couch so he wouldn't get sick since he was leaving for a trip Sunday. But each time Keaton puked, daddy rushed in the room, comforted Keaton with mommy, and then would take puke bucket and clean it out. Keaton was sick Thursday night, one time Friday, one time Saturday, all day Sunday (mommy's birthday and when daddy left for out of town) and then again Tuesday night. Hoping that is the end of the puking-it's Wednesday. Feel bad for our little guy!

Weekly Quotes

More cute sayings from the kids. Keaton, while we were shopping said, "I love shopping. But you know what I love more than shopping? You, mom!" Keaton was going potty and pointed at his bum and said, "This guy's a good pooper." Pointed at his penis and said "This guys a good pee-er." While Keaton laid on the couch, puking, McKenna asked if she could hold his puke bucket because she needed to "Choke". When the kids ask why for every little thing, mommy starts to get frustrated. Lately, though it's not the best way to deal with it, mommy responds to why questions by telling the kids to ask God because mommy doesn't know the answer. The other day, when mommy said this to Keaton he said, "But I can't, mom. He's not in my heart. You're the only one that's in my heart." After going potty the other day, I couldn't find Keaton anywhere. I thought he was playing hide and seek but after checking every room I started to worry a bit. Then I heard a noise in the pantry, and when I opened the door I saw Keaton in there, looking like he was caught in the act of doing something. He pointed at the Whopper malt balls and said, "Mmmm, those are good. There are a bunch in my belly." The twins love dancing and shaking their bottoms and singing, "Shake your bum bum, boo ba boo ba." Up until a few weeks ago, when McKenna was asked what her name was, she would respond, Mickey. Even if you said, "McKenna, what's your name," her response was Mickey. Now she has started saying McKenna. It's kind of sad because it makes me feel like she is growing up.

Cute sayings

I need to be better about recording the cute things the twins say. I always text my parents, or Kyle with the stuff but then forget to write it down. So, here we a few of the cute comments lately. Mommy, "Keaton, if you poop your pants again I will spank your bottom." McKenna, "try it, Keaton. Poop so you can have a spanking. It's gonna be fun." While the twins were coloring, I was making their list to Santa of toys they want. Keaton got up in the middle of it and went from the kitchen to the family room. I was so confused so I went to see what happened and he was sitting on the couch, staring out the window. Mommy, "what's wrong bud? What are you doing?" Keaton, "just waiting, for Christmas." Mommy, "ohhhhhh, bud, Christmas is a long time away. It's 60 days." Keaton, "I know, I know. But, when you really love something, sometimes you have to wait." Twins went to bed and Keaton started screaming for daddy. When I went to check on him he asked for a cup of milk, which I said no because it was way too late and he said, "awwwwww, come on mom, just a little cup?" The twins have their own made up words they say to each other to make each other laugh. The main one is pant-side. Whatever that means.

Discipline

Oh my. The o,Der the twins get, the harder it is to discipline. How in the world does a mom discipline in public these days? When I was a kid you would be spanked for the smallest thing. If you spank these days, especially in public, you risk being turned in to family services. McKenna is tricky to punish. Spankings don't seems to effect her and time out she doesn't stay put and practically skips her way over to the corner. However, this past week we have started spanking every time she gets out of time out. And when she talks or gets out of time out I reset the timer. Se stands there three minutes without moving and can leave the corner when the timer goes off. So she chooses the overall length of time based on how often she gets out. She finally is getting the hang of it, and three times this week she went to time out, didn't talk, didn't move and stayed put until timer went off. I was in tears practically with disbelief she was obeying. And Kyle actually even said today, "wow, McKenna does so well in time-out." Of course, I snipped that it was due to a very stressful week full of spanking to teach her to obey. Keaton has always been good with obeying until the past two or three weeks. I spank and he smiles and says, "see, I didn't cry. I'm a big boy." So I'm thinking I need to spank harder. I put him in timeout and he screams the entire time, sits down (not an option with time out in our house), throws his body against the wall, tries to climb the wall...it has been a long week. And in public I use to put them in time out and they would straighten up immediately. Now I do that and they laugh and do kart wheels on there way to the corner.

Poop Talk

McKenna has been in and out of hospital quite a bit lately due to poop issues. One week in Springfield, home a week, one week Kansas City, home a week, a night back in Springfield...it's exhausting. They give enimas, hook her tube up to a bag of go lightly, let her pooh a unch then send us home. This week we have tried really hard to get Mickey to poop without screaming at her, but sadly it usually ends with mommy holding an enima in her face and saying, "poop, or else you get bum bum medicine." It's traumatic for McKenna. You can see how scared she is to go and she even is scared of the noise of a toot. She toots that little, and holds it all in. The past few days we have found a game that seems to work. When McKenna gets poop out we laugh really loud and make try to make it as fun and funny as possible to show her she doesn't have a reason to be scared. It has worked for a few days, although today we were back to having small poops. Hoping we can keep her out of the hospital for poop issues again. Excited for the day she is potty trained and trying to not be discouraged that she is 3 1/2 and still seems nowhere close to wearing underwear.

McKenna in Hospital

Year three and poor Mickey still can't catch a break. After four days of a distended tummy, daddy insisted McKenna be taken to doctor. Mommy was convinced mickey just needed to poop more and all would be well, so I was annoyed when doctor said we needed X-ray of tummy to make sure no obstruction of the bowels, though she thought it probably was just constipation and gas. Got home after the X-rays, McKenna took a nap with daddy, mommy gave her more miralax and then the doctor called saying X-ray showed it is not constipation. Doctors didn't know what was causing distended tummy, but wanted McKenna admitted to the hospital to confirm if she had obstructed bowels. Problem is to determine that she would need a ct scan which is a no go because that would give her radiation. Long story short, we got to hospital, she has an IV in her arm, they drew blood and did catheter urine sample (all tests came back normal but dehydrated slightly). They are waiting to do ct scan to see if she gets better on her own. After an hour and a half dry heaving and small spit ups they gave her meds to help nausea. She has had several bowel movements and passed gas several times. Her stomach is still distended but quite a bit softer and the nausea appears to be controlled now with the zofran meds. She is asleep now, so hopefully will be able to sleep through the night. If McKenna is same or better tomorrow they are considering it an "ileus" which is a tummy bug. If does worse or poor during the night they will do testing tomorrow to verify if obstructed bowels. No doubt it will be a long night.

Headed to Silver Dollar City

It gets harder every day to find activities that are fun for the kids but are affordable. A friend, Liz, takes her kids a couple times every month to SDC for a few hours of rides and fun, so today the kiddos and I are joining her. Our husbands are out of town so it's just us. Should be a fun new challenge. Hoping it is not too stressful. The kids will be off on naps and meals but should be worth it. Kyle went out of town Sunday for work and won't be back until next Thursday. Today is dy 7 of 12 he is gone and we already miss him like crazy. McKenna asks throughout the day, every day, if daddy is working and than says, "daddy coming home, it's okay." the second day Kyle was gone Keaton came into my room crying saying he couldn't find daddy anywhere. Now he is seeing daddy is just on a trip, but he has asked several times of we can go get on a plane with daddy. We will be excited when he gets home! McKenna is still slowly gaining weight but requiring 60% of her feeds by tube and 95% of water through tube. It is getting discouraging and frustrating. Just want our daughter healthy, interactive and well! Keaton is doing all better since his surgery. He hasn't snored in over a week and is starting to breath through his nose more. We saw the doctor Wednesday and Keaton got the go ahead to eat and drink whatver because the scabs fell off his tonsils. Woo hoo for chip time again. My favorite comments of his after surgery were, "my throat fell out." and when he would go to eat something he would comment that his tongue was too big to eat. Nothing ever translates as cute on paper but it was super adorable.

Big Boy Bed

We are working toward a big boy bed. Well, not sure I should really go that far, but here s for sad but hopeful thinking. Yes, the three year old twins still sleep in their cribs. I never have to worry about them getting out of bed during the night, or playing when should be sleeping. I put them down for nap or night and that's it. It's so easy it is hard to want to change, plus cribs are for babies. No cris means the twins are really growing up. At nap today I took their mattresses out of their cribs and placed them on the floor by their cribs. Keaton slept only 1 1/2 hours instead of 2 1/2 and woke crying really hard saying he wanted his mattress in his crib and he was ready to get up. McKenna lasted only an hour and then slept another hour after her mattress was back in the crib. We won't be putting her mattress on the floor at night because her feeding tube, but here goes attempt number two tonight with Keaton's. If we could get McKenna potty trained, at least during the day, than we could get rid of the changing table and that would open up quite. Bit of space in Keaton's room so an actual bed instead of just a crib mattress. Hmmm, may be our goal to work on next week...though I doubt it.

Tonsillectomy

Two weeks ago we took Keaton to the doctor because he was snoring so loud and had apnea spells throughout the night. His sleep was restless with a bunch of turning and waking. The ENT said he had 75% of. His airway blocked with swollen tonsils and adenoids, so long story short they scheduled us for aurgery to have adenoids and tonsils removed the following week. Today marks week one since Keaton had the surgery. The poor guy has been miserable. He has lost weight, he is talking high pitched from pain, is hurting to bad to eat Orr drink much...it has not been fun. He has been a real trooper. The only way to get him to eat or drink, or to take his meds is to give him iPad time. Keaton is finally starting to Eat a little. But it is pretty difficult to get him to do much. Doctors say will be ten to fourteen days before throat starts to feel better. He is still snoring, although its not as loud. Before the surgery he couldn't breathe through his nose...adnoids blocked the passage, and he is finally starting to breathe through his nose now. That's exciting to see since mouth breathing is so loud. Hopefully in the next few days Keaton will be less fussy, start eating better and start feeling better. He slept with mommy in the family room for the first week so he could have his meds every four hours and because was so fussy and in so much pain. Mommy is happy to be back in her room but Keaton is now having to adjust to sleeping in a room by himself again. He insists on having the family room lights on all night. Curious what our electric bill will be this month.

MT trip

Aside from McKenna not eating well, both kids being constipated and potty trained Keaton pooping his underwear three times, the Montana trip was wonderful. The twins did great traveling, played awesome with their cousins, minded the best they could, and seemed to have fun. Next trip there mommy will probably try to take twins without daddy so he won't have to stress and we can save money staying with family instead of in a hotel. Now it is life back to normalcy. Hopefully will be able to come up with creative ideas to beat the 100 degree weather here in MO. The TV and iPad time s getting ridiculous.

Grateful

I don't care my son snores, throws tantrums, doesn't share, kicks and hits, spits at people to be funny, cries when he doesn't get his way, occassionally pees his pants, doesn't eat what I want him to all the time, prefers someone other than mommy at times...I. Don't care that he is not "perfect". I am 100% in love with my son and get excited everyday that god allowed me to be his mom. I don't care that McKenna does baby talk, doesn't use manners all the time, screams at top of her lungs for attention, clinches teeth and punches when frustrated, doesn't eat with her mouth, requires a feeding tube, often has crusty boogers, still has to sleep in our room. I am 100% in love with my daughter no amazed god allowed me to be her mom. Three years ago I was finally able to bring my babies home from the hospital and I was scared and overwhelmed but so in love. As the twins grow it is amazing to watch the personalities develop and see who god is building them to become.

McKenna seizure

Now that I finally have a little quiet time I need to remember to updat things on the kids and record their history. Last week McKenna had a febral (sp?) seizure. She went to bed with a low grade fever, woke at 1 am to change her feeding tube and she was up to 102.8 under the arm, so they say add a degree. I quickly gave her Tylenol and ibuprofen and went back to sleep. She woke at 4 am screaming like I have never heard before and literally begging for mommy's bed. Sure she asks for mommy's bed a lot, but nothing that has ever sounded like this. Kyle was out of town, so I out her in m bed and she went straight into a heavy sleep rather than her usual tossing and turning. 7 am she started talking and trying to get my attention. I was so exhausted froma a very long night with her than I kept telling her to go back to sleep. Than 7:30 her eyes bugged out, jaw clinched and she started to shake. It wasn't violent shaking, more like a twitch. I rants kitchen, grabbed cell, called neighbor to come help with Keaton, grabbed a spoons to try to prevent McKenna from choking on tongue, unlocked front door, called 911, called inlaws to come over. Yes, in between this I was trying to help McKenna. Her seizure lasted about three minutes, from what I could tell on my attempt to time it. Neighbor was over within 2 minutes, right toward end of seizure, fire dept there within 5 minutes. McKenna was grayish pale looking so they gave her oxygen and talked about what to do next time. Don't stick your finger in mouth, which I knew but did anyway to see if I coul pry open mouth. My finger was bitten and hurt for three days. Don't use a spoon to open mouth,d could chip tooth and she would choke on it. Don't turn her on side until after seizure, which I did during to help control her body but they say that can pull something out of place. McKenna didn't talk for an hour after the event. She just sat there, exhausted. It was so scary to see your child helpless going through that. Two hours after it we went to her pediatrician, he said he thinks it was fever induced and we will just cross fingers no more. If she has another one in the future will have to see a neurologist. Just one more health issue our poor little girl has to endure. Breaks our hearts!

Keaton Potty Training

Wow, just saw haven't updated this since May. Keaton is officially potty trained. He wears underwear, tells us when he has to use the potty, and wears a diaper only for bed, although he wakes up every morning with it dry. Mommy is very proud of him for this huge accomplishment. Luckily for us daddy suggested the iPad as a reward. He gets 3 minutes every time he pees, 10 minutes for poop. Half the time he no longer requires the reward even. Wonderful!

Montana Trip, Day 3

Today is actually the beginning of day 4 in Montana but its only 6:30 in the morning so there is little to report about today. This kids did amazing flying out here. McKenna slept in mommy's lap the flight to Denver, or at least most of it. My arms and legs kept falling asleep so there was a lot of wiggling and moving. Apparently it is hard to hold a 26 lb 3 year old for over an hour. Keaton slept Denver to Helena. Hoping they will both sleep at least one of the legs home too, although when they werent sleeping they were content with the iPad so it all worked out. We have been able to hook Mickey up to her machine every night without problems so far but she is eating awful orally so that adds a ton of stress. I would actually say she is doing just okay, but daddy is very upset with how much she isn't eating as opposed to concentrating on quantity that she is, which than makes me feel like she is doing worse than she actually is. There is no doubt this is the biggest stress of the entire trip, McKenna not eating quantities daddy wants, and he is sure to bring it up every couple of hours, if not more. The other tricky part of the travel is schedules. Normally I am verrrry scheduled, but I am in montana for less than a week and havent been here for 4 years. My priority is family and spending time together and everyone being happy. Unfortunately, daddy is very upset if we are 20 minutes off which makes it difficult to do anything. The twins have basically an hour or two during the day tht they aren't eating or sleeping, so it makes if frustrating to not be able to be with family other times too. We stayed in a hotel, per daddy's request and it has been nice to have a clean place to sleep. He down side is my kids go to bed 7:30, which means I have to be back at hotel by 7 to get feeding tubes ready, pjs on, evening snacks, meds, etc. I am very disappointed in the way this trip has turned out, though I am not in the least bit surprised. Next time we come to Montana it will be much easier if it is just me and the kids! It's 7 am now. Debating waking kids so we can go eat breakfast before daddy gets back from his run and yells at us for not eating enough. Grumpy kids or grumpy dddy. Which is worse?

Day four, and he is dry

Woo hoo. This is day four of potty training Keaton and he is doing awesome. Daddy decided we should offer Keaton iPad time if he uses potty. Keaton gets three minutes for peeing, ten for pooping. He has had a dry diaper all day long, up until five minutes ago when he pooped in his diaper, by hey, still no diaper peeing. mommy is hoping this is it and we won't have to go months of training. We have stayed around the house for four days so we are very anxious for him to catch on. He has even told mommy a couple times he needed to pee. We are not potty training McKenna right now. Tried first few days but she wasn't going in potty and was getting backed up so we have stopped, per the advice of her feeding clinic.

Still going

Feeling emotionally drained. We are over two years on the feeding tube. I looked at pictures today of McKenna in the nicu and thought, wow we have come so far. We are off the heart monitors, she has energy, we aren't cleaning up puke or watching McKenna retch throughout the day, it in the pics mck is eating. She was excited for her bottles. They would have to pull the bottles out of McKenna's mouth so she wouldn't choke she drank so fast. It's frustrating now I can't get her to eat, and I'd I do it is such small portions. It is frustrating I have to hook her up every night and that we have to plan life around a feeding schedule. It's frustrating I can't potty train because it messes up her bowel movements and at messes with her eating. Is frustrating she won't drink and in order for us to play outside I have to plan it around when we can give her syringes of water without it effecting meal times. I am exhausted and want to stop thinking about it all! Any time now, God! We are still waiting for yet anotherrrr healing.

Third Birthday

We spent a weekend filled with fun and entertainment for the twins' birthday. Thursday we visited grandpa Bernie at work and ate at a cute pizza place with grandma Susie. We had our last First Steps feeding therapy session ever with Ms Robyn since McKenna graduated their program due to age. Friday was Good Friday so we went to the zoo with daddy and grandparents. Kids fed the giraffes and goats and we road the zoo train. Saturday was the church Easter egg hunt and the petting zoo where the twins fed ducks and pet the bunnies and then daddy took us to pizza hut for the buffet since kids are free before age three. Sunday was Easter and we woke up and opened presents early since daddy was out of town on their actual birthday, Tuesday. Keaton got a race car stunt track and a turtle that shows the stars which arrived broken. Keaton broke the race track so mommy had to go exchange it during kids nap time. McKenna got two babies, one looks real but doesn't do anything. The other is a baby alive that eats and drinks. She loved them both.

Tuesday was their birthday. The twins woke up and got to choose what they wanted to eat. They had fruit snacks and split can of Pepsi with mommy. Liz brought the kids over to join us for lunch. they brought presents for the twins -- bubbles, framed pictures, water squirt sticks that Keaton plays with when he goes to play with Luke. The kids loved their presents. They went down for nap an hour late and after attempting to nap on mommy's bed and talking too much McKenna ended up in her crib and Keaton slept in mommys bed alone.

Ms Courtney joined us for the afternoon at Jump Mania where the kids played for an hour climbing and going down slides. They chose what and where they wanted to eat. Both said burgers and Big Whiskeys. I was glad they didn't want fast food. They drank a ton of Dr Pepper and Coke. Keaton drenched his burger by dipping it in ranch every bite. Mck ate the brown part of the burger bun and nobody ate their fries. We went and got frozen custard per Keaton's request and came home to eat it but Courtney gave the kids presents so they were to distracted to eat. McKenna got paper dolls. Keaton got a car shooter and gator golf game. Courtney read them a book and helped mommy put me in bed. We were sad daddy wasn't with us on their big day of turning into toddlers, no more babies. But we had a great day celebrating!

No increase

So this weekend was much better than the previous week. Kyle talked to the feeding clinic and agreed to attempt to get on board with their rules. We decided not to increase McKennas tube feeds so I am veryyyy nervous about the weigh in tomorrow. She looks very thin, so I expect a loss. Hoping it's not too big so the tube increase,if needed, will be minimal. She hasn't had a bowel movement in four days either which impacts her eating and then impacts her weight. Guess its really just a waiting game until tomorrow.

Waterworks

Is there ever a time when defeat is welcomed? Once again I lose. Mckenna's tube feeds will be increased again tonight. I am broken, defeated, hurt, upset, angry, frustrated...the list goes on. Why does God think our family is strong enough for this!? Grrr

Tonight increasing from 340 ml to 400 ml. Will see if that's enough of an increase to help McKenna gain. The feeding clinic said they are here to support us but until Kyle gets on board they are not comfortable moving forward. Meaning once again a clinic is done with us and we are left to figure this out on our own. I am so angry at him I don't know what to say or how to be a team with this situation.

McKenna is doing better each month. She still needs tube feeds obviously it is off the tube some and that's an improvement still from September when she was full tube. As we increase the tube she will most likely decrease the oral intake which than eventually means full tube, and then comes the gagging and puking and dry heaving. I am so angry I just want to scream and yell and cry. I haven't given up on her and I feel like increasing the tube feeds is a sign of giving up. I never want my children to think that!

My prayer, since praying is all I can do at this point, is that McKennas body will tolerate the increase and it will not impact her oral intake but will increase her weight enough to get her to a point we can try the wean again, the megace again, and eventually get her off the tube. I'm completely drained and now have to go get the twins up from their nap and act happy and like life is easy.

Feeling Down

You know those days when you wake up and you feel off? It's the weather, the atmosphere, the thought of the tasks ahead of you...it all compiles and you feel drained and exhausted? It's one of those days. I'm pretty sure if I were to go back through this blog I would find myself writing about these type of days at least once a month and that alone frustrates me. I hate the thought of not being the happy positive woman that I want to be, or I expect myself to be.

So McKenna lost more weight. Not a huge amount, but enough to effect Kyle. She actually is back down to 25 lbs which is 1 1/2 lbs lighter than when we started the wean in September. In six months McKenna has not gained weight. While she is bigger than she was at the lowest point of the wean she is still smaller than the start of it all. It is not healthy for a baby to not gain weight in a years time span, and that's whee we are at. She was this weight when she was two years old.

I have full faith and confidence McKenna can and will get off the feelings tube. I understand and accept it is going to continue to be a long process. But what I don't accept is the road of struggles to walk that long path. I hate that it causes tension in the home, fights between Kyle and me and the on gong stress of wondering if she will eat next meal.

Kyle wants to increase McKenna's night tube feeds. I do not. It isn't because the mentality that she went from seventy percent off tube to now seventy on tube. I worry more about the side effects that come with it...retching, puking, dry heaving, exhaustion, etc. Kyle emailed the clinic for direction and that he is concerned about her weight so Weill hear back hopefully Monday. I know hey will say don't increase her tube feed, but my fear is Kylie's yelling and anger about their response. So today I am down, frustrated, feeling helpless and exhausted. I feel defeated, as usual, and hopeless. I want god to come down and fix this situation. I wrote a year ago about gods power and how He only has to speak it and McKenna will be healed and how frustrating it is that He won't do tha. I have to say that after a year I am still in that same place mentally...speak Lord and let the healing begin.

Conversation

Keaton woke up this morning and asked, "where's dad?" I said,"working." "AGAIN?!"

Keaton was told to lay on couch when he woke from nap until McKenna got up. When I went to check on McKenna, Keaton ran in and said, "look, I woke up." He then started climbing on my bed and said, "where's daddy? He is going to give me a big favor" which Keaton was saying so that daddy would let him sleep in our bed.

McKenna has walked around all day with the house phone having pretend conversations with Grandma Deb.

I asked Keaton for a hug. He gave me one while he pootied and said, "There you go. A toot and a hug."

We went to Barnes and noble and of course Keaton waited to poop until we got inside and I didn't bring in the diaper bag. Asked iif he wanted to try to go on potty since he was in the aisle, and he politely responded, "no thanks. I'll justgo right here."

McKenna is still pointing to the corner of the room at least once a week asking "Who is that guy?" this afternoons she asked that and then said, "that grandpa?" made me wonder if she is seeing angels and maybe one is grandpa Visocan.

Good Day

One day my children will wake and I will say, "time to eat," and they will run the table and gobble up all their breakfast. Both children will be excited to eat the entire bowl of cereal or yogurt or whatever it is for breakfast mommy serves and they will get down from the table and play and have a good morning.

The clock will strike noon or eleven or whatever time it is we eat lunch that day and the kids will sit at the table and eat their sandwiches and chips and cookies and drink their milk and get down from the table and read books and take their naps with full bellies.

At dinner time the twins will race to their high chairs and devour their entrees and veggies and save just a tiny room in their stomachs for dessert, which mommy will gladly serve them since thy cleaned their plates, both kids.

Then right before dinner I will hear my little girl ask for a snack because her three meals that day were not enough and she wants to eat more. Mommy will cut up veggies and fruit and give containers of yogurt and glasses of milk and watch as both twins have their last bit of food for the night.

Yes, this may be wishful thinking even for a mom with kids that are eaters, but hey, why can't I have a little hope?

Giving Up

I know it's not an option, but I truly feel like giving up. I am tired of the tube, the hook ups, the fetches, the debating if she will eat by mouth, calorie counting, weight checks, medicines, constipation, swelling, watching and being careful anytime McKenna is held or played with. I want to stop it all. I want to scream and cry and throw my hands in the air and say, "Okay, you win. Don't eat and don't get hooked up and just starve."

I feel completely emotionally drained, helpless, hopeless and defeated. I am angry that McKenna can eat and chooses not to. I am angry that a switch doesn't just flip on and make a healing miracle occur. I am angry that she has been on the tube nearly two and a half years ans the "specialists" tell me that it all takes time and to keep waiting because eventually she will eat. I am done. I am ready to move past this part in our lives.

I'm still not angry at God. That's odd to me because he is the one icon troll and I know all he has to do is speak her healing and boom, McKenna will be off the tube and on oral feeds, but apparently He has some amazing huge plan because He is not ready to heal her yet. You haven't failed me God. I know you never will failed me God. I just need to learn to get on the same page as you.

So for today, because I feel like there is nothing left in me to give, and I know I hae no control and I have no idea what words you want me to pray, or what else to do, I simply say your name, knowing that's all it takes, you hear me. "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus..." again and again will continue to say your name and praying that brings me the strength I need to make it through another night of tube feeds, and another day tomorrow of little to no oral eating.

Library Time

Trying to do more activities with the twins to help them adjust to social environments and not always being so attached to mommy and daddy. Also I need it for me as I know I will have major separation anxiety when they go to school. They are my. Everything and I crave time with them when I go out and I'm away from them. Here are a few activities we are trying to stick with on a regular basis.

MOPS the first and third Tues every month
Library story time Wednesday mornings
McKenna feeding therapy Thursday afternoons
Play date with Emily's daughter and sometimes Jen's kids Thursday mornings
Daddy time every Saturday morning while mommy goes to Zumba workout
Play date with Darla's son, David, the third Monday every month
Tuesday open gym at Nixa gymnastics. We are trying to do this once a month

Hoping to start doing jump mania or other jump center at least once or twice a month but have yet to take the twins on my own. When summer comes we will be able to do pool time multiple days a week too.

My goal in the next few weeks is to set a daily and weekly schedule planning play dough day, color day, paint day, abc and number day, colors day, scissor time, etc. that way I can make sure they get it all in on a regular basis and will decrease their TV time that slowly seems to be increasing daily. It's easy to turn on a show while I cook, clean or plan out the day. Working on getting out crayons or books instead of the TV but so far it has been a very failed attempt.

Defeating Shy

Not sure how to look at shy behavior. I grew up a very shy little girl, afraid of strangers and even friends and family at times. When going from jr high to high school I had anxiety about the thought of riding the bus even because of not knowing people on the bus or who I would sit by. I would go to the extreme of pretending to be sick so I didn't have to go to school if I knew my friends weren't going to be there because I was afraid of who I would sit by at lunch or play with during recess. When I went to college I didn't branch out and meet new people; I met a friend or two and stuck with them, clung to them because was too shy to get to know other people. I am 31 years old and still struggle with being shy. I do great in environments that are work related, or if I know ahead of time things I can talk about with people. When it comes to hanging out with women though that are close to my age I get so nervous about whether or not they will like me, how to act around them and I fear the gossip that occurs after. It's really ridiculous and as I type this I am reminded again of how silly it is. But I get so shy to the point I even get water in my eyes at times.

McKenna has been very shy these first few years of life and I recently read in a magazine to not say your child is shy, or to at least not say it in front of them. It's putting titles on them and creating characters that may not really be there. SO lately when McKenna is shy I say, "You're okay, you're not shy, you're a big girl, go play, be nice, these are your friends." So far the positive verbal cues haven't been working but one can hope that they will start to influence her in a positive way.

Tonight we had a play date with Kendall, Carissa's daughter. Keaton was so excited he ran around the house screaming, "Kendall, where are you?" They ran in circles around the house, chased each other, played hide and seek, and just had a grand time. McKenna didn't participate or play until the last five minutes, and even then it wasn't playing. She went to Kendall and asked for a cheerio and when we left she agreed to give Kendall a hug and kiss goodbye.

Tomorrow is MOPS. The twins have only gone together one time so I will be anxious to see how they do tomorrow and I'm hoping McKenna will participate and interact with the other kids.

Sweet Babies

Tonight after meeting some friends for frozen yogurt Keaton said, "I'm happy."
"You are? Why are you happy?"
"Because I have teeth," said Keaton. I knew he was meaning to look and his teeth were showing, or that he was smiling to show he was happy, but it was cute how he verbally communicated that.

Potty training of course has not gone as planned. Kyle decided that it is not a good idea to potty train in front of the TV. He has requested that all potty training be done in the bathroom. We have attempted, encouraged, manipulated, threatened but so far the kids are not big on the idea of going potty in the restroom.

Today, however, when Keaton was shown underwear and told he can wear them if he pees and poohs in the potty he decided he wanted to give it a try. And if Keaton does something than McKenna wants to try it as well. Keaton went pee two times on the potty. He wet his underwear one time only. So that was good. We did have him in his diaper most of the day though. He also got to chose his treat if he went potty, so once he had a single M&M and the other time a whopper.

McKenna did a great job at trying to potty. She sat on the potty multiple times and even for ten plus minutes multiple times but she just couldn't get anything out. She wet her panties one time as well and was also in her diaper a majority of the day.

Both the kids were given the choice of underwear or diaper and were strongly encouraged that if they wear underwear they are not allowed to pooh or pee in them. We will see how tomorrow goes but I am not too hopeful. Frown.

We are also still struggling with McKenna's aggression. She is very violent and hits Keaton a lot, and very hard. I struggle to find the correct and effective way to discipline her. Seems silly to spank for hitting, because when it comes down to it that's me hitting her while telling her not to hit. When she is put in time out she smiles ear to ear, waddles off to her time out spot and if told to go sit down she smiles and says, "okay" in her super chipper tone. Obviously timeout doesn't seem efective for her. Hoping this is just a phase that she will quickly overcome.

McKenna can now count to 3 and loves singing. She likes running in circles, dancing, music time, throwing things, storytime if she gets to hold the book, babies, dolls, feeding people, and she LOVES her back and arms tickled/scratched. She loves disciplining too. She tells Keaton and her dolls, "No no" and shakes her finger in their face. She puts them in timeout and tells them to sit for two minutes and she says "I spank you, okay?" Then she spanks Keaton or her dolls.

Keaton can count to 15, can sing and identify every letter in the alphabet and numbers 0 - 10, loves singing really loud, loves watching Mickey Mouse and Jake and the Pirates. He is very into daddy and wants all of daddy's attention whenever he is around. He has the most adorable nasal laugh and loves to pretend laugh.

Things I miss already

I miss the twins sleeping in the same room. It makes me sad they are in different rooms at night and even more sad thinking that Keaton is in a room by himself while McKenna gets to sleep in our room, and occasionally in our bed when she can't sleep.

I miss the twins talking to each other every morning when they wake up and wait for mommy to get them out of their cribs.

I miss hearing McKenna attempt to say Keaton but instead saying teetun.

I miss Keaton's belly crawl and his determined rolling.

I miss it when I use to say only one more Keaton and he would say okay and then I would say how many and he would say two.

I miss their attempts to kiss that were really just opening their mouths our how McKenna always use to stick out her tongue.

Things I still get though that I no doubt will eventually be missing...
Keaton rhyming everything by changing first letter to a d...grandma damna, mommy dommie
McKenna squealing when she sees a puppy and calling everything she sees that she thinks is cute a puppy or a baby, no matter what it is.
Keaton attempting to sing anything he hears, even if it's for the first time he mumbles along with the lyrics.
McKenna praying by saying "Jesus prayer, prayer something prayer Jesus amen"
The twins running in circles around family room kitchen circle pushing their loud lawn mower and shopping cart.
The twins playing hide and go seek behind curtains.
McKenna discipline Keaton or getting in is face and saying no no Keaton, ok? No no, while shaking her finger.
How fascinated Keaton becomes with one object or toy and how he can play with one item for over an hour, especially if it involves opening and closing.
Keaton's sudden need to use the words actually, either, neither, and great in sentences.
The twins sitting in high chairs facing each other and fake laughing every meal, or fake sneezing and then laughing.
The simplicity and amusement of paint with water books.
The joy they get when cutting with scissors or playing with play dough.
The power of a couple balloons and the hours of entertainment they seem to provide.
The hugs, kisses and I love yous.
McKenna saying good night to Keaton before she goes into her room and her "prayers" with him.
Bath time where I can bathe both at once.
Story time and the ability to skip pages without them knowing, or read the same book I just read and they like it just as much.

I love being a mom. How blessed I am God has allowed me to carry that title!

Potty Training

After much debate as to the best method and timing to potty training, and months of asking babies if they want to sit on potty and showing them the potties we finally decided, well mommy decided we are going to start the process. We are not forcing the twins to potty but strongly encouraging them to at least sit on the potty. The other day keaton woke up with dry diaper so I put him on potty in family room with Mickey mouse on TV and then fed McKenna breakfast. Twenty minutes later went to check on him and he went pee and poop. I started screaming in excitement and scared him a bit I was so loud but I was so proud. He got a tootsie roll and has continued to poop and pee some on potty chair although he still is going a majority in his diaper.

Mommy has been putting Mickey on the potty too but until tonight she just sits on potty begging for a tootsie roll. Tonight though she went a tiny pooh and a very tiny pee. We made a big deal out of it, gave her a tootsie roll and called grandma deb so she would receive a lot of affirmation.

It's the new year and our goal, well mummy's goal is to have twins potty trained by their third birthday. That is only three months away so hopefully they will catch on quick. The end of this week or the beginning of next week mommy will try putting them in big kid undies to see if that helps. I'm a little worried about the mess but hopefully by next Monday they will be going enough to not want to walk around in wet underwear. We will see. Nothing ever goes as planned. Smiles.