Giving Up

I know it's not an option, but I truly feel like giving up. I am tired of the tube, the hook ups, the fetches, the debating if she will eat by mouth, calorie counting, weight checks, medicines, constipation, swelling, watching and being careful anytime McKenna is held or played with. I want to stop it all. I want to scream and cry and throw my hands in the air and say, "Okay, you win. Don't eat and don't get hooked up and just starve."

I feel completely emotionally drained, helpless, hopeless and defeated. I am angry that McKenna can eat and chooses not to. I am angry that a switch doesn't just flip on and make a healing miracle occur. I am angry that she has been on the tube nearly two and a half years ans the "specialists" tell me that it all takes time and to keep waiting because eventually she will eat. I am done. I am ready to move past this part in our lives.

I'm still not angry at God. That's odd to me because he is the one icon troll and I know all he has to do is speak her healing and boom, McKenna will be off the tube and on oral feeds, but apparently He has some amazing huge plan because He is not ready to heal her yet. You haven't failed me God. I know you never will failed me God. I just need to learn to get on the same page as you.

So for today, because I feel like there is nothing left in me to give, and I know I hae no control and I have no idea what words you want me to pray, or what else to do, I simply say your name, knowing that's all it takes, you hear me. "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus..." again and again will continue to say your name and praying that brings me the strength I need to make it through another night of tube feeds, and another day tomorrow of little to no oral eating.