Feeling Down

You know those days when you wake up and you feel off? It's the weather, the atmosphere, the thought of the tasks ahead of you...it all compiles and you feel drained and exhausted? It's one of those days. I'm pretty sure if I were to go back through this blog I would find myself writing about these type of days at least once a month and that alone frustrates me. I hate the thought of not being the happy positive woman that I want to be, or I expect myself to be.

So McKenna lost more weight. Not a huge amount, but enough to effect Kyle. She actually is back down to 25 lbs which is 1 1/2 lbs lighter than when we started the wean in September. In six months McKenna has not gained weight. While she is bigger than she was at the lowest point of the wean she is still smaller than the start of it all. It is not healthy for a baby to not gain weight in a years time span, and that's whee we are at. She was this weight when she was two years old.

I have full faith and confidence McKenna can and will get off the feelings tube. I understand and accept it is going to continue to be a long process. But what I don't accept is the road of struggles to walk that long path. I hate that it causes tension in the home, fights between Kyle and me and the on gong stress of wondering if she will eat next meal.

Kyle wants to increase McKenna's night tube feeds. I do not. It isn't because the mentality that she went from seventy percent off tube to now seventy on tube. I worry more about the side effects that come with it...retching, puking, dry heaving, exhaustion, etc. Kyle emailed the clinic for direction and that he is concerned about her weight so Weill hear back hopefully Monday. I know hey will say don't increase her tube feed, but my fear is Kylie's yelling and anger about their response. So today I am down, frustrated, feeling helpless and exhausted. I feel defeated, as usual, and hopeless. I want god to come down and fix this situation. I wrote a year ago about gods power and how He only has to speak it and McKenna will be healed and how frustrating it is that He won't do tha. I have to say that after a year I am still in that same place mentally...speak Lord and let the healing begin.