Ahhh, why do I have to be so emotional all the time? We went to life group last night and we have two newer couples that weren't there a few months back when Kyle and I talked about being infertile. So they have not heard all our drama, though I will say from the time we announced it several months ago, we really haven't talked about it much. We are just tight lipped people.
So at life group, the question was asked "What has God really shown you lately." and we were encouraged to go around the room and each person or couple share. Everyone shared but Kyle and I, so our friends to our right kept looking at us. I told kyle to start thinking of what to share so i didn't have to talk, knowing that if i DID talk, i would start crying...it came to our turn, and Kyle just sat there, so I decided to share.
God has honestly done so much in our lives lately and has really revealed a lot to us, but the thing that has really hit home to me is just that I have NO CONTROL over my life. God is in control, He is the one driving the car and really I need to sit back and obey him. It will be easier if I hop on board with God's plan and follow what he has for me then fight it for years only to have to give in at the end and follow his will.
So I was trying to share this last night, and the second i started talking, i started crying, of course. And I just kept looking at Kyle trying to be like, hello, take over...but he just gave me that look of, i don't know what to do. hahaha. Anyhow, i SOMEHOW managed to get out a portion of what i was trying to say, in between deep breaths, sucking in a bunch of air, and sobbing because of saying God has revealed a lot of this to us through the baby situation. Well, Kyle ended up taking over for me, after several minutes. and then the new couples were like, sorry, we're new, can you update us on the baby thing, or is that something you were willing to share with the group?
For some reason at this point tears stopped, and i was able to speak clearly and all, but it just gets frustrating. i know that people mean the best and they only try to help us and what not, but sometimes we just want to say, "here is our situation, this is what we are going through, the end". The new couples though want us to open up, share our emotion, cry with them, and then they want to give us a million alternatives, which again is sweet. But we have been going through this two years now and we are fully aware what our options are. Of course it is our own fault as we didn't go into detail about us doing invitro and all that as we don't want to have to tell people dates and times and etc...but whatever.
So I thought after my embarassing episode I was all cried out, but of course today I am hormonal and overwhelmed and still feel sad. What's even more awkward is there is another couple there that we have grown pretty close to that is also infertile. they have only been trying for a bit over a year, which I still consider to be a LONG time, but it is awkward to be so wrapped up in what we are going through when there are other couples out there going through the same stuff.
Today my attitude is grateful and hopeful. Grateful that we have such an amazing support team that holds us up when we are down and comforts us when we are going through difficult times and reminds us that God is in control and has a plan for our lives. And hopeful that this process will work, that we will be parents someday and that we will continue to grow in the ways that God wants us to grow.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
A Bit Much
I am beginning to feel extremely overwhelmed, powerless and weighed down by fear. I am a rather controlling person-always have been. i guess that is part of being the baby of the family. Use to having what I want, the way i want it. Funny how it has been 27 years of hard lesson after lesson and yet I am still learning that i have no control over most things in my life. that's why we have God...to teach us, train us, guide us and lead us, and yet somehow, as a stubborn young believer i have found myself once again confused and overwhelmed with the thought that i have no control on the outcome of that which is to come.
Finished my first pack of birth control pills. All in all, it didn't go well. first few weeks i had heavy spotting. nurse told me to call only when it became heavy, so i called to tell her it had gotten worse, she directed me to the OB nurse who told me it wasn't heavy enough to worry about. So, after 2 full weeks of stressing about the pill not working, and Kyle continually reminding me that my body doesn't do well or react correctly to most drugs, i was in the clear. spotting stopped, life was good. of course i still had the nausea from the pill, but was taking stuff for a sinus infection at the same time, so really i attribute the nausea more to that.
Thursday was my last day to take the pill. Woke up Thursday morning with spotting. seeing as how i hadn't missed a single pill, spotting AGAIN was not normal, but i brushed it off as it was light spotting. took my last pill that night and just waited to see what happened. Friday i woke up, clots instead of just spotting. i still had pill in my body (had just taken it 12 hours earlier) so there is no reason that i should have been heavy spotting. I called the nurse who told me to consider it my day one of the period, would start me back on BC on the 18th of july and told me to call a different number to schedule an ultra sound where they determine how many folicles i have, if the BC is doing what it is suppoes to do to my uterine lining, etc. so we are scheduled for that on Tuesday of this coming week. the frustration is originally they told me day 3 or day 4 i would need to get an ultrasound. well i don't even know when my day one will be as day one is defined as the day you have HEAVY bleeding. since friday was just a morning thing, and really i have only spotted since, i don't think friday was my day one. so now i am stressing because the nurse changed the ultrasound requirements to be that i need it done on my first few days of my period. doesn't have to be day 3 or 4...So, whatever...
It is difficult to express what we are going through and what my body is experiencing physically and i feel like they are basing my information on what they would normally tell people. But, i am a 14 day cycle girl, not a normal 7 day girl. so everything going on with my body i feel is wrong and that they aren't correctly doing things. i am scared they are going to do the ultra sound and find out they did it on the wrong day, so we will have to go back out to St louis, spend more money getting out there AGAIN, and spend money paying for MORE ultrasounds even though it would have been their error. also, one nurse talked about possibly doubling up my bc since i am heavy spotting throughout the thing. i don't know why they wouldn't just go ahead and plan on doing that. since i told them that i was heavy spotting, i would think they would just go ahead and move forward with FIXING the problem from the get go. i am worried by the time they try to fix it, it will be too late and i will have to bump back the retrieval date, or something will go wrong.
I am stressing because i feel like there is so much pressure on ME. I have to take the pills at the right time, do the shots at the right time, calculate cycles at the right time, start bc at the right time, do the ultra sound at the right time...it's all up to me and my body. but i have no control over my body. that's just it. i have to rely soley on God showing us favor and cutting us a break...and i feel like we haven't had any breaks, and like we aren't going to get any breaks. i am scared i am going to go through all this just to be let down once again...and i don't think i can handle another heartbreak. we want to be parents so badly. we just want a healthy baby and the chance to raise him or her,and we want to teach our child the ways of god, and the importance of family, and blessings of love...It's funny how life seems so perfect, and yet the cross we have to bear is perhaps the greatest desire a woman could ever have.
Finished my first pack of birth control pills. All in all, it didn't go well. first few weeks i had heavy spotting. nurse told me to call only when it became heavy, so i called to tell her it had gotten worse, she directed me to the OB nurse who told me it wasn't heavy enough to worry about. So, after 2 full weeks of stressing about the pill not working, and Kyle continually reminding me that my body doesn't do well or react correctly to most drugs, i was in the clear. spotting stopped, life was good. of course i still had the nausea from the pill, but was taking stuff for a sinus infection at the same time, so really i attribute the nausea more to that.
Thursday was my last day to take the pill. Woke up Thursday morning with spotting. seeing as how i hadn't missed a single pill, spotting AGAIN was not normal, but i brushed it off as it was light spotting. took my last pill that night and just waited to see what happened. Friday i woke up, clots instead of just spotting. i still had pill in my body (had just taken it 12 hours earlier) so there is no reason that i should have been heavy spotting. I called the nurse who told me to consider it my day one of the period, would start me back on BC on the 18th of july and told me to call a different number to schedule an ultra sound where they determine how many folicles i have, if the BC is doing what it is suppoes to do to my uterine lining, etc. so we are scheduled for that on Tuesday of this coming week. the frustration is originally they told me day 3 or day 4 i would need to get an ultrasound. well i don't even know when my day one will be as day one is defined as the day you have HEAVY bleeding. since friday was just a morning thing, and really i have only spotted since, i don't think friday was my day one. so now i am stressing because the nurse changed the ultrasound requirements to be that i need it done on my first few days of my period. doesn't have to be day 3 or 4...So, whatever...
It is difficult to express what we are going through and what my body is experiencing physically and i feel like they are basing my information on what they would normally tell people. But, i am a 14 day cycle girl, not a normal 7 day girl. so everything going on with my body i feel is wrong and that they aren't correctly doing things. i am scared they are going to do the ultra sound and find out they did it on the wrong day, so we will have to go back out to St louis, spend more money getting out there AGAIN, and spend money paying for MORE ultrasounds even though it would have been their error. also, one nurse talked about possibly doubling up my bc since i am heavy spotting throughout the thing. i don't know why they wouldn't just go ahead and plan on doing that. since i told them that i was heavy spotting, i would think they would just go ahead and move forward with FIXING the problem from the get go. i am worried by the time they try to fix it, it will be too late and i will have to bump back the retrieval date, or something will go wrong.
I am stressing because i feel like there is so much pressure on ME. I have to take the pills at the right time, do the shots at the right time, calculate cycles at the right time, start bc at the right time, do the ultra sound at the right time...it's all up to me and my body. but i have no control over my body. that's just it. i have to rely soley on God showing us favor and cutting us a break...and i feel like we haven't had any breaks, and like we aren't going to get any breaks. i am scared i am going to go through all this just to be let down once again...and i don't think i can handle another heartbreak. we want to be parents so badly. we just want a healthy baby and the chance to raise him or her,and we want to teach our child the ways of god, and the importance of family, and blessings of love...It's funny how life seems so perfect, and yet the cross we have to bear is perhaps the greatest desire a woman could ever have.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Always Sick
My oh my am I sick of being sick. I just got over brohncitus in May and now am fighting a sinus infection. The pressure behind my eyes is untollerable, the pain in my head is enormeous and if I go to speak, i break out into a cough attack.
I have been trying to improve my eating by adding more fruits and vegetables but it seems to have done little to no good. Kyle said it is because it has only been a couple weeks, but my thought is that day ONE i should have started to feel a change. that's part of me being impatient in life I guess.
So, although i took mots of the day off yesterday, i plan to go to our team lunch and then head home to "work from home" this afternoon, which really translates to lay down on the couch, watch tv, and try to fight the desire to cry until I feel better.
Wish my mommy was here to play with my hair.
I have been trying to improve my eating by adding more fruits and vegetables but it seems to have done little to no good. Kyle said it is because it has only been a couple weeks, but my thought is that day ONE i should have started to feel a change. that's part of me being impatient in life I guess.
So, although i took mots of the day off yesterday, i plan to go to our team lunch and then head home to "work from home" this afternoon, which really translates to lay down on the couch, watch tv, and try to fight the desire to cry until I feel better.
Wish my mommy was here to play with my hair.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Long Awaited Update
While it has been forever since I have blogged, the drama in no way has slowed down.
We are moving full steam ahead with Invitro and extremely nervous and fearful that it may not work, but excited about the possibility.
June 15, 2008 we finally decided on our doctor, Dr Silber, out of St Louis, MO. He is a short older man that mumbles when he talks, but he is truly adorable and has amazing background in medicine. We are trusting that if the procedure will work, he is the one to perform it on us. So we called his office, made our first downpayment (only 1/40th of what we will owe..literally) and scheduled our date for this fall.
They started me on birth control June 20 (Friday), as that was already day three into my cycle and Kyle and I were both nervous about this part as I have tried more than half a dozen birth controls and none of them have worked for me. However, we have done as instructed, taking the pill daily at the exact same time (6:30pm) and staying rather anal about being on time. My cycle ended within a few days on the pill (by Monday afternoon) so we were excited to see this was working, only to be let down with spotting by Tuesday evening.
Called the nurse Wednesday, who is sweet as can be and another reason that we chose this doctor, and she told me I am fine as long as it is not tampon-heavy (sorry if that is too much detail) or bright red. Well, of course Kyle and I aren't that lucky. Sunday morning I woke up to a large clot, but the rest of the day was rather calm and hardly any spotting. Again, we got our hopes up and felt like maybe my body was still just purging itself from previous cycle, but this morning (Monday, June 30) we woke up to the same problem, again. We are both rather stressed as this is an extremely expensive procedure and we fear that they won't be able to regulate me with birth control and this will either delay or prevent the procedure from occuring.
Our marriage is wonderful and we are truly blessed, but we would be lying if we didn't say that this process will either make or break a couple. We are doing our best to pull together during this time and trust in God for strength to make it through this. Our greatest desire to be parents is something that we are still having to realize may never come to be. So until then, until we get the answers needed, until we complete the procedure, go through all the testing and find out a positive yes we are pregnant, and until those nine months of carrying a child are complete, we are simply wishing, hoping, praying and clinging to hope that God will have mercy on us and bless us and make our family complete.
We are moving full steam ahead with Invitro and extremely nervous and fearful that it may not work, but excited about the possibility.
June 15, 2008 we finally decided on our doctor, Dr Silber, out of St Louis, MO. He is a short older man that mumbles when he talks, but he is truly adorable and has amazing background in medicine. We are trusting that if the procedure will work, he is the one to perform it on us. So we called his office, made our first downpayment (only 1/40th of what we will owe..literally) and scheduled our date for this fall.
They started me on birth control June 20 (Friday), as that was already day three into my cycle and Kyle and I were both nervous about this part as I have tried more than half a dozen birth controls and none of them have worked for me. However, we have done as instructed, taking the pill daily at the exact same time (6:30pm) and staying rather anal about being on time. My cycle ended within a few days on the pill (by Monday afternoon) so we were excited to see this was working, only to be let down with spotting by Tuesday evening.
Called the nurse Wednesday, who is sweet as can be and another reason that we chose this doctor, and she told me I am fine as long as it is not tampon-heavy (sorry if that is too much detail) or bright red. Well, of course Kyle and I aren't that lucky. Sunday morning I woke up to a large clot, but the rest of the day was rather calm and hardly any spotting. Again, we got our hopes up and felt like maybe my body was still just purging itself from previous cycle, but this morning (Monday, June 30) we woke up to the same problem, again. We are both rather stressed as this is an extremely expensive procedure and we fear that they won't be able to regulate me with birth control and this will either delay or prevent the procedure from occuring.
Our marriage is wonderful and we are truly blessed, but we would be lying if we didn't say that this process will either make or break a couple. We are doing our best to pull together during this time and trust in God for strength to make it through this. Our greatest desire to be parents is something that we are still having to realize may never come to be. So until then, until we get the answers needed, until we complete the procedure, go through all the testing and find out a positive yes we are pregnant, and until those nine months of carrying a child are complete, we are simply wishing, hoping, praying and clinging to hope that God will have mercy on us and bless us and make our family complete.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Expenses
We went into this knowing it would cost a lot of money but just got the breakdown from the people that we met with last week and it is about $10k more than we were expecting, per cycle. there are a lot of hidden costs and we apparently didn't realize that? It will be interesting to see if the doc we meet with next week is just as outrageous on cost.
I am feeling really stressed and overwhelmed at the entire thought of the finances and doing my best to not think about it, but within the past 20 minutes my head has begun pounding and i am just extremely overwhelmed. I will do whatever it takes to have a baby, but the financial part is rather scary.
i am hoping to talk with Jeri this week, a friend of a friend's that did invitro last year with the doc that we met last week. God is in control and knows what we need done and truly does not give us more than we can handle. i need to remember that continually.
I am feeling really stressed and overwhelmed at the entire thought of the finances and doing my best to not think about it, but within the past 20 minutes my head has begun pounding and i am just extremely overwhelmed. I will do whatever it takes to have a baby, but the financial part is rather scary.
i am hoping to talk with Jeri this week, a friend of a friend's that did invitro last year with the doc that we met last week. God is in control and knows what we need done and truly does not give us more than we can handle. i need to remember that continually.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
one more week
A week from today and we will meet our first of two infertility doctors. The first one is the one my OB doctor recommended and one that he has worked with in the past. because of that i am tempted to chose him, but i want to do what is best for Kyle and me, and what will give us the best chances of carrying a child.
I am very anxious to meet this guy, and to have all our questions answered. A friend of a friend went through in-vitro and used this doctor so we are suppose to call her and ask her our questions and get her feedback, but she works until 8:30 at night and that seems so late. it is hard for me to remember to call her. So, we will see.
We are still in deep prayer that the Lord's will be done in our lives and that God give us direction about what he would like for us to do. There is the question of the finances, the timing, the medications...a million things that you don't really think about in too much detail when conceiving naturally. But again, this is when we have to look to God and trust that He is in control.
I am very anxious to meet this guy, and to have all our questions answered. A friend of a friend went through in-vitro and used this doctor so we are suppose to call her and ask her our questions and get her feedback, but she works until 8:30 at night and that seems so late. it is hard for me to remember to call her. So, we will see.
We are still in deep prayer that the Lord's will be done in our lives and that God give us direction about what he would like for us to do. There is the question of the finances, the timing, the medications...a million things that you don't really think about in too much detail when conceiving naturally. But again, this is when we have to look to God and trust that He is in control.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Roller Coaster
It has been a roller coaster for us the past couple weeks. We found out April 29 that the surgery we invested time, money and hope in did not work. We both had a feeling it wouldn't and perhaps we should have listened to that, although then we would have always been wondering what if...so now it's starting over at square one and going forward.
We have a meeting with a fertility specialist that my OB recommended on May 28. It is a little nerve racking to think what they will recommend and the money and energy that will be required to have children, but completely worth it. We both want to be parents so bad that we are willing to do whatever it takes at this point, even if it means investing our life savings. Well, maybe not LIFE savings. :)
We have another Appointment June 10 with a doctor that we saw a show on Discovery Health Channel about that specializes in certain types of fertility. Their staff is amazing and i have to admit I am leaning more toward them today then the other doctor just because they were so friendly and helpful. However, i am a huge Dr Stamps (my OB) lover, so the doctor he recommended I will admit makes me want to go to him. Sigh, The decisions...
So, as we have been for the past two years, we are in waiting mode. Next month will be 24 months since we have been trying to conceive and I can't wait to receive our blessing and move forward in life, but i also know that God's timing is perfect, and if he wants us to wait, so be it. I just need a big billboard with a message of direction from the Lord. :)
Please continue to keep us in your prayers. We are ready now for Plan C...whatever it may be.
We have a meeting with a fertility specialist that my OB recommended on May 28. It is a little nerve racking to think what they will recommend and the money and energy that will be required to have children, but completely worth it. We both want to be parents so bad that we are willing to do whatever it takes at this point, even if it means investing our life savings. Well, maybe not LIFE savings. :)
We have another Appointment June 10 with a doctor that we saw a show on Discovery Health Channel about that specializes in certain types of fertility. Their staff is amazing and i have to admit I am leaning more toward them today then the other doctor just because they were so friendly and helpful. However, i am a huge Dr Stamps (my OB) lover, so the doctor he recommended I will admit makes me want to go to him. Sigh, The decisions...
So, as we have been for the past two years, we are in waiting mode. Next month will be 24 months since we have been trying to conceive and I can't wait to receive our blessing and move forward in life, but i also know that God's timing is perfect, and if he wants us to wait, so be it. I just need a big billboard with a message of direction from the Lord. :)
Please continue to keep us in your prayers. We are ready now for Plan C...whatever it may be.
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