Good Day

One day my children will wake and I will say, "time to eat," and they will run the table and gobble up all their breakfast. Both children will be excited to eat the entire bowl of cereal or yogurt or whatever it is for breakfast mommy serves and they will get down from the table and play and have a good morning.

The clock will strike noon or eleven or whatever time it is we eat lunch that day and the kids will sit at the table and eat their sandwiches and chips and cookies and drink their milk and get down from the table and read books and take their naps with full bellies.

At dinner time the twins will race to their high chairs and devour their entrees and veggies and save just a tiny room in their stomachs for dessert, which mommy will gladly serve them since thy cleaned their plates, both kids.

Then right before dinner I will hear my little girl ask for a snack because her three meals that day were not enough and she wants to eat more. Mommy will cut up veggies and fruit and give containers of yogurt and glasses of milk and watch as both twins have their last bit of food for the night.

Yes, this may be wishful thinking even for a mom with kids that are eaters, but hey, why can't I have a little hope?

Giving Up

I know it's not an option, but I truly feel like giving up. I am tired of the tube, the hook ups, the fetches, the debating if she will eat by mouth, calorie counting, weight checks, medicines, constipation, swelling, watching and being careful anytime McKenna is held or played with. I want to stop it all. I want to scream and cry and throw my hands in the air and say, "Okay, you win. Don't eat and don't get hooked up and just starve."

I feel completely emotionally drained, helpless, hopeless and defeated. I am angry that McKenna can eat and chooses not to. I am angry that a switch doesn't just flip on and make a healing miracle occur. I am angry that she has been on the tube nearly two and a half years ans the "specialists" tell me that it all takes time and to keep waiting because eventually she will eat. I am done. I am ready to move past this part in our lives.

I'm still not angry at God. That's odd to me because he is the one icon troll and I know all he has to do is speak her healing and boom, McKenna will be off the tube and on oral feeds, but apparently He has some amazing huge plan because He is not ready to heal her yet. You haven't failed me God. I know you never will failed me God. I just need to learn to get on the same page as you.

So for today, because I feel like there is nothing left in me to give, and I know I hae no control and I have no idea what words you want me to pray, or what else to do, I simply say your name, knowing that's all it takes, you hear me. "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus..." again and again will continue to say your name and praying that brings me the strength I need to make it through another night of tube feeds, and another day tomorrow of little to no oral eating.

Library Time

Trying to do more activities with the twins to help them adjust to social environments and not always being so attached to mommy and daddy. Also I need it for me as I know I will have major separation anxiety when they go to school. They are my. Everything and I crave time with them when I go out and I'm away from them. Here are a few activities we are trying to stick with on a regular basis.

MOPS the first and third Tues every month
Library story time Wednesday mornings
McKenna feeding therapy Thursday afternoons
Play date with Emily's daughter and sometimes Jen's kids Thursday mornings
Daddy time every Saturday morning while mommy goes to Zumba workout
Play date with Darla's son, David, the third Monday every month
Tuesday open gym at Nixa gymnastics. We are trying to do this once a month

Hoping to start doing jump mania or other jump center at least once or twice a month but have yet to take the twins on my own. When summer comes we will be able to do pool time multiple days a week too.

My goal in the next few weeks is to set a daily and weekly schedule planning play dough day, color day, paint day, abc and number day, colors day, scissor time, etc. that way I can make sure they get it all in on a regular basis and will decrease their TV time that slowly seems to be increasing daily. It's easy to turn on a show while I cook, clean or plan out the day. Working on getting out crayons or books instead of the TV but so far it has been a very failed attempt.

Defeating Shy

Not sure how to look at shy behavior. I grew up a very shy little girl, afraid of strangers and even friends and family at times. When going from jr high to high school I had anxiety about the thought of riding the bus even because of not knowing people on the bus or who I would sit by. I would go to the extreme of pretending to be sick so I didn't have to go to school if I knew my friends weren't going to be there because I was afraid of who I would sit by at lunch or play with during recess. When I went to college I didn't branch out and meet new people; I met a friend or two and stuck with them, clung to them because was too shy to get to know other people. I am 31 years old and still struggle with being shy. I do great in environments that are work related, or if I know ahead of time things I can talk about with people. When it comes to hanging out with women though that are close to my age I get so nervous about whether or not they will like me, how to act around them and I fear the gossip that occurs after. It's really ridiculous and as I type this I am reminded again of how silly it is. But I get so shy to the point I even get water in my eyes at times.

McKenna has been very shy these first few years of life and I recently read in a magazine to not say your child is shy, or to at least not say it in front of them. It's putting titles on them and creating characters that may not really be there. SO lately when McKenna is shy I say, "You're okay, you're not shy, you're a big girl, go play, be nice, these are your friends." So far the positive verbal cues haven't been working but one can hope that they will start to influence her in a positive way.

Tonight we had a play date with Kendall, Carissa's daughter. Keaton was so excited he ran around the house screaming, "Kendall, where are you?" They ran in circles around the house, chased each other, played hide and seek, and just had a grand time. McKenna didn't participate or play until the last five minutes, and even then it wasn't playing. She went to Kendall and asked for a cheerio and when we left she agreed to give Kendall a hug and kiss goodbye.

Tomorrow is MOPS. The twins have only gone together one time so I will be anxious to see how they do tomorrow and I'm hoping McKenna will participate and interact with the other kids.

Sweet Babies

Tonight after meeting some friends for frozen yogurt Keaton said, "I'm happy."
"You are? Why are you happy?"
"Because I have teeth," said Keaton. I knew he was meaning to look and his teeth were showing, or that he was smiling to show he was happy, but it was cute how he verbally communicated that.

Potty training of course has not gone as planned. Kyle decided that it is not a good idea to potty train in front of the TV. He has requested that all potty training be done in the bathroom. We have attempted, encouraged, manipulated, threatened but so far the kids are not big on the idea of going potty in the restroom.

Today, however, when Keaton was shown underwear and told he can wear them if he pees and poohs in the potty he decided he wanted to give it a try. And if Keaton does something than McKenna wants to try it as well. Keaton went pee two times on the potty. He wet his underwear one time only. So that was good. We did have him in his diaper most of the day though. He also got to chose his treat if he went potty, so once he had a single M&M and the other time a whopper.

McKenna did a great job at trying to potty. She sat on the potty multiple times and even for ten plus minutes multiple times but she just couldn't get anything out. She wet her panties one time as well and was also in her diaper a majority of the day.

Both the kids were given the choice of underwear or diaper and were strongly encouraged that if they wear underwear they are not allowed to pooh or pee in them. We will see how tomorrow goes but I am not too hopeful. Frown.

We are also still struggling with McKenna's aggression. She is very violent and hits Keaton a lot, and very hard. I struggle to find the correct and effective way to discipline her. Seems silly to spank for hitting, because when it comes down to it that's me hitting her while telling her not to hit. When she is put in time out she smiles ear to ear, waddles off to her time out spot and if told to go sit down she smiles and says, "okay" in her super chipper tone. Obviously timeout doesn't seem efective for her. Hoping this is just a phase that she will quickly overcome.

McKenna can now count to 3 and loves singing. She likes running in circles, dancing, music time, throwing things, storytime if she gets to hold the book, babies, dolls, feeding people, and she LOVES her back and arms tickled/scratched. She loves disciplining too. She tells Keaton and her dolls, "No no" and shakes her finger in their face. She puts them in timeout and tells them to sit for two minutes and she says "I spank you, okay?" Then she spanks Keaton or her dolls.

Keaton can count to 15, can sing and identify every letter in the alphabet and numbers 0 - 10, loves singing really loud, loves watching Mickey Mouse and Jake and the Pirates. He is very into daddy and wants all of daddy's attention whenever he is around. He has the most adorable nasal laugh and loves to pretend laugh.

Things I miss already

I miss the twins sleeping in the same room. It makes me sad they are in different rooms at night and even more sad thinking that Keaton is in a room by himself while McKenna gets to sleep in our room, and occasionally in our bed when she can't sleep.

I miss the twins talking to each other every morning when they wake up and wait for mommy to get them out of their cribs.

I miss hearing McKenna attempt to say Keaton but instead saying teetun.

I miss Keaton's belly crawl and his determined rolling.

I miss it when I use to say only one more Keaton and he would say okay and then I would say how many and he would say two.

I miss their attempts to kiss that were really just opening their mouths our how McKenna always use to stick out her tongue.

Things I still get though that I no doubt will eventually be missing...
Keaton rhyming everything by changing first letter to a d...grandma damna, mommy dommie
McKenna squealing when she sees a puppy and calling everything she sees that she thinks is cute a puppy or a baby, no matter what it is.
Keaton attempting to sing anything he hears, even if it's for the first time he mumbles along with the lyrics.
McKenna praying by saying "Jesus prayer, prayer something prayer Jesus amen"
The twins running in circles around family room kitchen circle pushing their loud lawn mower and shopping cart.
The twins playing hide and go seek behind curtains.
McKenna discipline Keaton or getting in is face and saying no no Keaton, ok? No no, while shaking her finger.
How fascinated Keaton becomes with one object or toy and how he can play with one item for over an hour, especially if it involves opening and closing.
Keaton's sudden need to use the words actually, either, neither, and great in sentences.
The twins sitting in high chairs facing each other and fake laughing every meal, or fake sneezing and then laughing.
The simplicity and amusement of paint with water books.
The joy they get when cutting with scissors or playing with play dough.
The power of a couple balloons and the hours of entertainment they seem to provide.
The hugs, kisses and I love yous.
McKenna saying good night to Keaton before she goes into her room and her "prayers" with him.
Bath time where I can bathe both at once.
Story time and the ability to skip pages without them knowing, or read the same book I just read and they like it just as much.

I love being a mom. How blessed I am God has allowed me to carry that title!

Potty Training

After much debate as to the best method and timing to potty training, and months of asking babies if they want to sit on potty and showing them the potties we finally decided, well mommy decided we are going to start the process. We are not forcing the twins to potty but strongly encouraging them to at least sit on the potty. The other day keaton woke up with dry diaper so I put him on potty in family room with Mickey mouse on TV and then fed McKenna breakfast. Twenty minutes later went to check on him and he went pee and poop. I started screaming in excitement and scared him a bit I was so loud but I was so proud. He got a tootsie roll and has continued to poop and pee some on potty chair although he still is going a majority in his diaper.

Mommy has been putting Mickey on the potty too but until tonight she just sits on potty begging for a tootsie roll. Tonight though she went a tiny pooh and a very tiny pee. We made a big deal out of it, gave her a tootsie roll and called grandma deb so she would receive a lot of affirmation.

It's the new year and our goal, well mummy's goal is to have twins potty trained by their third birthday. That is only three months away so hopefully they will catch on quick. The end of this week or the beginning of next week mommy will try putting them in big kid undies to see if that helps. I'm a little worried about the mess but hopefully by next Monday they will be going enough to not want to walk around in wet underwear. We will see. Nothing ever goes as planned. Smiles.