Exhausted

Life has become exhausting. I love it, don't get me wrong. But each day I wake up hoping and praying for a miracle for my baby girl. Each day comes to an end with me still waiting. And each day I am continually reminded that MY timing is certainly not GOD'S!

McKenna has done great since she got back from KC. She has improved in so many areas and I am so proud of her. She is sitting up - with support of course - and can even "balance" on her own for up to ten seconds at times. Her head support has improved so much. When we came back she couldn't hold her own head up when sitting or being held. She still can't hold it up after short periods of time because she gets so exhausted but the increase on time she holds it up is great.

McKenna can now play with toys infront of her when laying down. She is enjoying the playmat and pulling on the things dangling in her face. She still can't grab things or really reach out for things when sitting, but occasionally she can do this too and those days are exciting to see.

She is still not eating, but at least she is allowing us to touch her mouth and she makes a game out of it. She sticks her tongue out occasionally too, allowing us to touch it. Speech Therapist says this is great step forward. She also has told us though that each day she doesn't eat is that much closer to her never eating again. And that eating issues can cause speech issues. Talk about pressure to get her eating TODAY.

The thing is that there is so many areas that McKenna has improved but so many areas she still needs to grow or strengthen. Each day I wake up and go through a list in my head of what she needs to work on, how I will work on it, how many therapists will see her that day, what will the follow up be, what will her response to them and treatments be and will we see any improvement. It grows exhausting and depressing. I want to enjoy my babies. Want to hold them, cuddle them, play with them and let them know that life is good, but instead feel like I am continually shoving information and techniques down McKenna's throat just trying to get her one step closer to where Keaton is or where the babies should be with development.

Keaton in the mix of this seems to get ignored a little bit during the day. I do my best to spend time making him laugh, helping him sit, play with toys, but so much of my focus is on getting McKenna better that sometimes thirty minutes will go by before I even notice that I haven't worked with him on anything. It's difficult juggling two babies.

I am so grateful to be a mom and even with the exhaustion of the day - emotional more than physical - and the people coming in and out of the home, and the ongoing activity and craziness I absolutely love my babies, love being a mom and love that God has blessed us by being parents to these two gorgeous children.