Long Awaited Update

While it has been forever since I have blogged, the drama in no way has slowed down.
We are moving full steam ahead with Invitro and extremely nervous and fearful that it may not work, but excited about the possibility.

June 15, 2008 we finally decided on our doctor, Dr Silber, out of St Louis, MO. He is a short older man that mumbles when he talks, but he is truly adorable and has amazing background in medicine. We are trusting that if the procedure will work, he is the one to perform it on us. So we called his office, made our first downpayment (only 1/40th of what we will owe..literally) and scheduled our date for this fall.

They started me on birth control June 20 (Friday), as that was already day three into my cycle and Kyle and I were both nervous about this part as I have tried more than half a dozen birth controls and none of them have worked for me. However, we have done as instructed, taking the pill daily at the exact same time (6:30pm) and staying rather anal about being on time. My cycle ended within a few days on the pill (by Monday afternoon) so we were excited to see this was working, only to be let down with spotting by Tuesday evening.

Called the nurse Wednesday, who is sweet as can be and another reason that we chose this doctor, and she told me I am fine as long as it is not tampon-heavy (sorry if that is too much detail) or bright red. Well, of course Kyle and I aren't that lucky. Sunday morning I woke up to a large clot, but the rest of the day was rather calm and hardly any spotting. Again, we got our hopes up and felt like maybe my body was still just purging itself from previous cycle, but this morning (Monday, June 30) we woke up to the same problem, again. We are both rather stressed as this is an extremely expensive procedure and we fear that they won't be able to regulate me with birth control and this will either delay or prevent the procedure from occuring.

Our marriage is wonderful and we are truly blessed, but we would be lying if we didn't say that this process will either make or break a couple. We are doing our best to pull together during this time and trust in God for strength to make it through this. Our greatest desire to be parents is something that we are still having to realize may never come to be. So until then, until we get the answers needed, until we complete the procedure, go through all the testing and find out a positive yes we are pregnant, and until those nine months of carrying a child are complete, we are simply wishing, hoping, praying and clinging to hope that God will have mercy on us and bless us and make our family complete.

Expenses

We went into this knowing it would cost a lot of money but just got the breakdown from the people that we met with last week and it is about $10k more than we were expecting, per cycle. there are a lot of hidden costs and we apparently didn't realize that? It will be interesting to see if the doc we meet with next week is just as outrageous on cost.

I am feeling really stressed and overwhelmed at the entire thought of the finances and doing my best to not think about it, but within the past 20 minutes my head has begun pounding and i am just extremely overwhelmed. I will do whatever it takes to have a baby, but the financial part is rather scary.

i am hoping to talk with Jeri this week, a friend of a friend's that did invitro last year with the doc that we met last week. God is in control and knows what we need done and truly does not give us more than we can handle. i need to remember that continually.

one more week

A week from today and we will meet our first of two infertility doctors. The first one is the one my OB doctor recommended and one that he has worked with in the past. because of that i am tempted to chose him, but i want to do what is best for Kyle and me, and what will give us the best chances of carrying a child.

I am very anxious to meet this guy, and to have all our questions answered. A friend of a friend went through in-vitro and used this doctor so we are suppose to call her and ask her our questions and get her feedback, but she works until 8:30 at night and that seems so late. it is hard for me to remember to call her. So, we will see.

We are still in deep prayer that the Lord's will be done in our lives and that God give us direction about what he would like for us to do. There is the question of the finances, the timing, the medications...a million things that you don't really think about in too much detail when conceiving naturally. But again, this is when we have to look to God and trust that He is in control.

Roller Coaster

It has been a roller coaster for us the past couple weeks. We found out April 29 that the surgery we invested time, money and hope in did not work. We both had a feeling it wouldn't and perhaps we should have listened to that, although then we would have always been wondering what if...so now it's starting over at square one and going forward.

We have a meeting with a fertility specialist that my OB recommended on May 28. It is a little nerve racking to think what they will recommend and the money and energy that will be required to have children, but completely worth it. We both want to be parents so bad that we are willing to do whatever it takes at this point, even if it means investing our life savings. Well, maybe not LIFE savings. :)

We have another Appointment June 10 with a doctor that we saw a show on Discovery Health Channel about that specializes in certain types of fertility. Their staff is amazing and i have to admit I am leaning more toward them today then the other doctor just because they were so friendly and helpful. However, i am a huge Dr Stamps (my OB) lover, so the doctor he recommended I will admit makes me want to go to him. Sigh, The decisions...

So, as we have been for the past two years, we are in waiting mode. Next month will be 24 months since we have been trying to conceive and I can't wait to receive our blessing and move forward in life, but i also know that God's timing is perfect, and if he wants us to wait, so be it. I just need a big billboard with a message of direction from the Lord. :)

Please continue to keep us in your prayers. We are ready now for Plan C...whatever it may be.

Nervously waiting

Well, i have done rather well since my last post. though i have had two ov cycles since last entree, and i am getting ready to start my cyle, i have kept my chin up and done my best to remain optomistic. the past coule of days have been a bit of a struggle for me though i must admit. not sure why, but they have. we will be doing testing on kyle again in the next couple of weeks and my greatest fear is that we will get news that surgery did not help and we are stuck at square one, where we have no direction or guidance. Please keep us in your prayers as we nervously await. thanks.

Feeling Positive

I recently had the opportunity to reconnect with a high school girlfriend via texting and cell phone and I am thrilled. She was always a wonderful Christian influence and it was encouraging to see that she is not only still living for the Lord but going full force. God is good to help us reconnect.

She updated me on life and all it's mysteries and after updates on my end of course asked the question that EVERYONE asks...when are you going to have children. really didn't want to have the long drawn out explanation and go into all the details, but did, and afterward felt really positive for the first time in a long time about the situation. i feel that i have done really well with keeping the mentality the entire time that God is in control and in HIS timing we will be parents, and in His way. But i continually struggle with the depression or the idea of not being a mother someday becoming extremely overwhelmng, but again, for whatever reason God really used Nicole to make me feel a peace for the first time in a long time. I am greatful for that.

So in a week or two i will start my cycle and will most likely be upset and sad and cry, but also taking courage and strength knowing that in a month kyle can do another testing and we will be able to determine if the surgery worked or if we need to consider other options. so waiting, as i have been for the past two years, but none the less, waiting with hope.

And another...

Yesterday afternoon i received news that yet another friend is pregnant. while i rejoice with her in the blessing that the Lord has given them, i can't help but sturggle on my end with jealousy. Tears welled up in my eyes and i wanted to shut my office door and just allow myself to sulk and be depressed, but instead i put a smile on my face, thanked the Lord for the blessing and said a quick prayer for our own blessing some day soon. the rest of the day i did my best to pretend all was okay but that little voice inside of me kept screaming out with fear that I may never know that joy.

I knew that when i got home i should probably email them a congrats and let them know that i am praying for them (as i truly will be) and that my thoughts are with them as they go through this exciting time in their life, but each time i went to type i couldn't help but once again start crying.

This morning i opened my emails to see the cutest announcement anyone could possibly make for sharing with the world their joy, and though i am happy for them, once again, as i have stated in this blog 400 times, i am jealous and really just want to ignore the entire situation. I did manage to type two sentences and click send.

So, that's how i am doing today. Not good. depressed and feeling sorry for myself. The funny thing is that God has blessed me with so many things and in so many ways. It is really more of a slap in the face to Him than anything, i am sure, for me to be so down when He has done so much to bring me up. So today i am going to hold my head high, put a smile on my face, hold back the tears and remember all that the Lord HAS blessed us with: a beautiful home, an amazing marriage, great families, finances, friends, jobs, sight, ability to hear, i can walk, and most of all i have an oustanding support group that holds me up when i begin to fall.